I was going to blog on Thanksgiving during the time that was I was alone during the day....there were two times for quite a bit of time. First Dave and Meag went to get Gracie....about a 40 min drive at least one way; then they went to Erin's for supper, again about a 40 min drive one way. All in all it wasn't that long but still.....lots of alone time, just me and the tv and the computer, lol.
For me, Thanksgiving is probably the WORST holiday that there is, aside from loving the food that we eat (I have my traditional food that I always make and I love them). There has been a rare occasion that we have been invited somewhere else and I always still cook sometime that weekend so I'll have my foods. But due to money and my eating problems and lack of energy we decided not to do that. We are so thankfully invited to Erin's house (Gracie's birth mom) for supper, as part of their family. Unfortunately I've been feeling pretty lousy and I wasn't up to going...so the family went and brought me back some yummy yummy food that i'm still eating on lol...well except for the dessert which I finished lol.
To me Thanksgiving is not a day to give thanks, it is a day to spend with family. Only we never have anyone to spend it with (except for this year) unless we can afford to drive to IL to Dave's parents and that's rare. We were thankfully that someone cared enough to invite us to their house this year but that is extremely rare. I have no family in my life aside from my Cuz that I talk to once in awhile. The girls called my mother and she returned their call...other wise she wouldn't have called us, I'm sure. On the way to Erin's the family called Dave's mom and dad. I don't hear from my brothers, period on holidays, and except for one brother I don't hear from them in between holidays either. One brother I hear from very rarely when he has a spare few minutes, but that doesn't happen very much. There is no one. Thanksgiving makes me feel alone and unwanted and unloved and many many other things. I hate the day period. I like the parade on tv, looking over the sale ads and my food....this year I didn't even look at the sale ads as I was so down over money (Meag looked over them and she had a little bit f money to loan me so we went out and got a few things and I didn't cook so none of 'my food'). I did watch the parade. I had a decent day even though I was alone alot; mainly because I wasn't feeling good and still aren't...nasty cold got me. Although today is one of those days I don't seem to be eating well; I have them once in awhile....yuck. I'm just ready for bed.
Gracie was gone from Tues afternoon to Thur about noon to her birth father's and his girlfriend's house (and birth brother and birth sister)....she was wild when they picked her up. She was home a little bit then went to Erin's (the birth mom's) for supper to spend the night with her birth brother and syblings. She was awful when she got home....and it continues today....not listening, out and out defience and disobediance; I'm really stressed and really ready for bed, even though we haven't had supper yet. This nasty cold has me down.
While I did ok on Thursday, and not to bad on Friday, today is just plain awful for me. I'm just hear, I'm down, I'm depressed, I can't eat, my head is killing me, etc. I have a million things on my million and they are going a mile a minute. It's really hard for me to go to church tomorrow after all that happened last Sunday after we got there and how I has to spend the entire church service in the car. I can't win with Meag (or Gracie for that matter); I'm just ready to give up. I'm a terrible mom, nothing is do is right; I stand alone with everything with Meag and can't do it any longer and nothing matter with Gracie, period.
I have alot to do and don't feel like or want to do any of it. Everything is piling up all over around me. I totally absolutely dread Christian. Dave and the girls put up the tree and some inside decorations last night while I sat on the couch and took some pictures. It's all I felt like doing. I want to skip it all. It means nothing to me this year. There's no money for presents, barely enough for a few things for the girls and if ever there was a year I needed to feel special it was this year. But that's not to happen. I'll live, I know that.
I don't feel special at all. I don't feel desirable or pretty or anything. I've lost so much I feel like a freak. I don't think Dave thinks I'm desirable or anything. I know he loves me, but that's it. As a wife that's hard to live with those needs. As of tonight I give them up (the needs that is).
I have a confession to give to anyone reading this....guess this isn't the best place to put it, but no one said I ever did the right thing. I'm having a problem with abusing some prescription pills...it began the night I took too much. I like the way it takes away the way and makes me feel out of. I've never ever in my life ever had a problem anywhere close to this....that should tell you my state at the moment. I don't think that those that know about it care much (except Paula). I can't seem to quit because every day is stressful and awful and I just can't handle things very well. So later at night (this time and later) please except my grammar and spelling....that's the reason why. If I wasn't taking some now I probably wouldn't spill my guts to anyone. Maybe I shouldn't have but now I have.
Most of you know that my dad was an alcoholic. I can remember getting made fun of in school because of it as if it was my fault or something I did. It wasn't and it was horrible to live with....an extremely controlling mom and an alcoholic dad....what a combination. My memories of Thanksgiving center around around my parents making early morning trips to the Main St Inn to spend time with their friends while I was left home alone. I think that alone ruined the holiday for me. Who am I kidding...my parents ruined every holiday and every day in between for me growing up. I despise thanksgiving, period. Having virtually no family, except for Dave's family that we talk to on a rare ocassion (at least none that has anything to do with me period) and very few friends (at least in the area in which we live, whatever area that is) always, always leaves me feeling alone and sad and depressed. I hate to hear about all the family gatherings and get-togethers, etc....both at Thanksgiving and Christmas; it hurts so bad. I would find the money and to go any of their houses in a heartbeat if I felt I was welcome. Up until Dad died I felt so close to all of them, including their mom who used to joke that she helped to name me (my old name). But recently Meag responded to something their mom said to her and said she thought we were family too and that she missed her and while the mom replied...it was something so totally off the wall and never address either of the statements Meag made. I guess that told me as much as I needed to know as the fact that I don't hear from anyone except a SIL even though several are on FB. This is just one more thing that I need to deal with and make peace with.
The loss of a friend who was not speaking to me (I found out two days before thanksgiving) just about did me in. I'm still coming to grips with it and don't know that I ever will. It took me YEARS to try to deal with the fact that my grandma died while she wasn't speaking to me and this brought it back in in full swing. The combination of the two makes life almost unbearable for me. This is something I hope that no one ever has to go through something like this; it's one of the worst things ever and totally causes you years of heartache and hurt and guilt and so many feelings.
I don't think I've update from the Dr....my labs were all ok...no Seliacs disease, no hepatitis, etc. So he's trying me on a 10 day course of antibiotics to see if the problem is a overgrown of bacteria in my tummy (in some area). So far I'm better, although he said to wait 7 days to really see if it works....but so far I'm doing a bit better with the diarrhea at least. Please pray this is it!!! What an easy fix. I call him later this week to let him know how things are going. The bad news is that right after I went to see him I lost several more pounds, dropping at my lowest to 109....but I'm back up to 110.8 today...now let's hope it keeps going in the right direction. Today is not a day where I'm able to eat much so I'm not counting today. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I love my online friends so much and despite my depression and sadness I'm SO SO thankful for them all and love them so much. Just sometimes I wish I had a friend here.
Well that's more than you wanted to hear tonight I'm sure....so I'm off of here...don't much feel like being on the computer any more; it's a tough day and I feel awful. I think I'll read a little, eat a little and go to bed early. Perhaps it's best.
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