free yarn?

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one last post

Another apology....my first one was done 'incorrectly' and in the way that I did it I victimized myself.  I am not a victim.  My daughter is. So I will try again.  I am sorry to Meag for everything I ever did to her in her life...for making her feel all those ways she blogged about.  For being all those ways that she says I was and am, for not being the family she wants.  For not listening, for always blaming, for everything.  I hope she will forgive me. Anyone else this affects too.   The rest I really can not respond to... it just won't do anyone any good.  I reached the end of me as anyone knew me last night.  There is no turning back. One can only hope for a quick ending at the right time for everyone.  There really is nothing else I can so or do.  I don't have any other words to us so I hope this apology will be accepted in the manner it is intended.

I'm sorry......

end of this blog

this blog will be ending immediately.....a new blog will begin in time, set as private.  if you would like to be able to read it (aside from on my FB), please leave me your email address so I can add you to the new blog.

simply put...

....I am what you would call the WORST kind of person.....

I am a horrible mother and a horrible daughter.  I have dealt with depression, anxiety, being suicidal and I have destroyed my daughter because I am also borderline personality disorder (her diagnosis). In fact if you visit her blog you will all about how horrible that I am, all the awful things I've done and just how truly awfully I've damaged and destroyed her.

I....simply put.....am no good.  It doesn't matter that I had no teaching or training in life.  It doesn't matter that I truly have loved my husband and children with a deep love.  It doesn't matter that I have absolutely tried my very hardest in all things.  None of that matters because I failed....pure and simple.

So...Meag....I am sorry.  I am sorry that you were saddled with a mother that was already a horrible daughter, a mother that was mentally unstable and a mother that turned out to be the worst mother in the world to you.  I'm very sorry that you were so destroyed and damaged by me from all of the things that I ever did to you. I'm sorry for all of those things you said I've said to you.  I'm sorry for blaming everything on you.  I'm sorry for everything you've said and wrote about.  Please forgive me if I've missed something.  I hope you'll accept my apology so you can move on in your life and enjoy a wonderful, happy life as you choose.  I hope this is what you were looking for from me.  I deeply regret that you had to put up with me all these years in how horrible I've been.

And folks....that's it....white flag of surrender is being raised on this end. I have no more. I have nothing.  Last night was the absolute end of me as I, or anyone else, knew me.  I don't know where I go from here in/with anything, but it will be alone.  I'm sorry for everyone that I've hurt, please forgive me. I'm sure the list is long. I promise I've always tried hard, loved greatly...but as I said it's not enough, period.

living with chronic illnesses

*Some people live with depression...severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
*Some people live with anxiety issues...a state of apprehension and psychic tension.
*Some people live with fibromyalgia...fatigue and chronic pain.
*Some people live with migraines...extremely severe headaches.
*Some people live with complications from gastric bypass and/or gall bladder removal...various un-curable, ongoing complications following either or both surgeries.
*Some people live with acid reflux, thyroid, anemia, insomnia and a host of various other health issues.
*Some people grew up in terrible homes as children...dealing with alcoholism, various forms of abuse, controlling parents, bullying in school, no self-esteem, never quite being able to be 'good enough' for anyone.
*Some people never had (from birth through present circumstances) parents involved in their lives in a positive role.
*Some people have breaks in relationships with their children and/or serious issues in their marriages.

Each of these things is hard for those who do not suffer from them to understand those who do.  To find someone who truly understands is rare and is a treasure.

Each of of these situations really is an awful thing to have to live with, to deal with on an ongoing basis.  But can you even begin to try to imagine someone who might have to live with, deal with, every one of these situations, circumstances on a daily, minute by minute basis? It's not a picnic in the park. I think I can about guarantee that no one wants to live with the repercussions of any of these, let alone all of them.  We hate it.  We hate how they make us feel, what they cost us, what they do to us.

And for someone who deals with all of them life can truly be a total nightmare more often than not.  Because one thing impacts another which impacts another which impacts another and so forth.  So even if one isn't giving us problems if another is then we have problems in all areas.  Anxiety is life changing to live with...actually anything chronic is, especially those that you can't 'see'...such as fibro or migraines or anxiety or depression.  Because you do not know from one minute to the next whether you will be able to do something or if you will be sick or in bed or simply paralyzed with fear and unable to get out the door and go anywhere. Can you imagine not being able to leave your house to go do something fun with friends, even your closest friends?  It stinks! Whether it's because of fibro or anxiety or migraines or whatever. Then when people don't understand and they get angry with you, when you lose friends because of it or they have words with you, then it makes it even worse for 'next' time for you. Next time it's that much harder for you to do anything.  Imagine not being able to even pick up the phone to talk to a friend....or to make a dr's appt, or call the store or whatever because you get an anxiety attack just thinking about it.

You are a freak of sorts.  You are different from anyone else.  There is something wrong with you.  You aren't good enough.  You can't do enough.  Then when your friends don't understand, it all gets ripped out from under you even further. Then what? Withdrawal even further?? Because that is where you immediately head...into isolation. The stress then makes all your health problems even worse as well.  It is a vicious cycle.

I've lost friends, I've been alone, I've had hurtful things said to me, I've had friends not be understanding.  It's impacted me negatively over and over.  It shakes your trust in others.  It leaves you not knowing where to turn or what to do.  I've tried to be open and honest to people, sharing about me...so people would know up front what I deal with, what I go through and what my limitations are....but that does not mean that they do not get upset with me still.  And that hurts.  And every time it does, I tried to pick myself up, dust myself off and regroup and move on.  Each time it is just a little bit harder to do, each time it hurts a little bit more, I lose a little bit more of myself.

The best way to be a friend to someone like this is to meet them on their level, to be understanding about things they are going through, realize they might have limitations and love them despite all their "faults"and if you can't, then walk away.  But if you will try to do these things, you just might find it's worth it.

wednesday ramblings from *me*

Often times an ongoing thing with me, or at least on my mind, is that of friends and friendship.  It's weighing on me now and has been recently.  There are reasons for that.  I will be the first to admit that I'm very sensitive to things....and even more so when there is a TON of things going on in my life.  But at the same time, I think my sensitivity makes me more aware of things that perhaps aren't right.  And right now my gut, that thing inside me, is telling me that....two issues.  And I just don't know what to do.


I will never claim to be the greatest friend.  I know that there are people that are much better friends than I am, and perhaps could ever be.  However I do believe that I try very hard.  I simply love people, I love my friends.  I want to get along with everyone!  And I do mean everyone.  It crushes me when I think that someone is upset with me or doesn't like me.  It shouldn't....and it's not about trying to make everyone happy...I just want to get along.  I forgive easily and I completely believe in second, third, tenth chances!  Let me add...I even give chances over and over when it has been clear that the other person really isn't sorry or repentant.  I treasure my friends.  Day after day, my friends lift me up, make me smile, and get me through another day.  I do not take one friend for granted.


But one thing I've learned is that no everyone treats their friends (no matter how good of a friend they are or how close you are) well.  I am totally and completely stunned by how some act, the hurts that they cause because of their behaviors and/or words.  This past week has been a lesson in this that I won't soon forget....and has left me just wondering what to do, how to act, what to say and where in the world do I go from here?!  I asked the question on my FB last night about how you knew when someone was really a friend or not.  Let me stop and say that I have a LOT of great, wonderful and yes TRUE friends that I love, adore and truly treasure.  But there are relationships where I am getting hurt and I don't know whether to continue them or how to or how not to if need be. I want to get along with everyone...but I don't want to put myself in situations where I'm constantly being hurt.  Especially when it seems that it's on purpose and/or totally mean and/or just thoughtless.


I was listening to the words of Rascal Flatt's song "I Won't Let Go" today.  Here are some of them:
   You think your lost
   But your not lost on your own
   Your not alone
   I will stand by you
   I will help you through
   When you’ve done all you can do
   If you can’t cope
   I will dry your eyes
   I will fight your fight
   I will hold you tight
   And I wont let go

I absolutely love this song!  And why?  It's because THIS is the kind of friend I want!  Now I know that we do have friends that are different 'types' (for lack of a better word) but for the most part I want friends that feel, think, act like this.  Friends that are....well, friends! At least in my sense of the word.  And especially those 'friends' that claim to be so close to you.

But at the same time...I want to be this friend.  And if you are a friend of mine (and chances are if you are reading this, I believe you are a friend of mine) and you don't feel that I'm this kind of friend...if you don't feel that I love you and if you don't think that I'd drop anything and everything and be there in a heartbeat if you needed me and it was at all within my power to do so and if you don't feel like you could pick up the phone and call me if you really needed me....then I am doing something wrong and I want to make it right.  PLEASE message me and tell me where I'm falling short in our friendship...because you are important to me.

Friendship, just as in in other relationship, is a two way thing.  It can not be all one person giving and trying and being there....it has to go both ways.  BOTH people have to feel important to each other, they have to feel that the other person is there, they have to give their best to each other.  If it is one sided, it needs to be rethought.  That's where I am right now and not knowing what to do.

On the positive side, God has been so good to bring so many wonderful, wonderful people into my life; those that I feel so close to, that I feel are more sisters than just friends. Some of these people I have known for YEARS, some I've just met, some I have never met in person, some I talk to all the time and some I talk to now and then, some were not friends years ago and yet I'm so close with now.  It just amazes me.  I've found healing in my friendships.  I have one friendship that I am overjoyed to have...and when we were kids it was pretty bad (def not a friendship if you know what I mean)...it's amazing now! If I were to put up pictures of everyone I feel so close to it would cover my walls...how blessed is that!

At the same time, I still mourn over the relationships that didn't work out, or don't seem to be going anywhere positive or that I feel hurt in.

So I write all of this to say....love each other, friends, just love each other.  It doesn't require that much of us to do that.  THINK before you speak...your words have the power to build someone up or totally destroy them (as has happened to me the past 1-2 days by 2 people)....just think...how is what you say going to come across?  Is your friend going to feel good about what you say or are they going to feel put down and mistrusted and not believed and not cared enough about.  Think about what you do. Perhaps you don't think it's a big deal, but what about your friend?  Will they be hurt? Will they feel like you are doing something negative on purpose?  And if you ARE?  It's much better to just be honest and let that "friend" go instead of deliberately hurting someone.  We should not do that to each other.  Be considerate, be thoughtful, think of how you want to be treated.  Is it one-sided? Are you there for your friend? Do they know that? Do they think you want to spend time with them or do they feel as if they are a bother?

Let me end this with saying again how much I love my friends....all of them. If I didn't, this whole issues (both of them) would not be so hard on me.  I'd be able to just dump it and move on.  But that's not me.  I'm not mean or uncaring.  And as I said, if you don't feel those things above about me...TELL ME so I can fix it.  I would give anything if I could be honest with some.  I treasure honestly so much and I despise being lied to.  And most often the person lying either doesn't know or doesn't care that the other person can totally see through their lie.  Then it's even harder to deal with. I want to be a great friend....and I hope my friends want to be that too!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!

Dave's Father's Day present

For Dave's Father's Day present, my wonderful friend Becky (Christensen Photography) took some pictures of Gracie and I.  Here is just a preview of the ones we liked best:

I think this one is probably my absolute favorite:

Didn't she do a great job?  If you are in my area and need pictures taken, please contact Becky!