♫♥♪ crochet days = great days ♫♥♪

free yarn?

2011-10-21T09:47:00.002-05:00

Good morning friends! Who like free yarn?

I found a give-a-way! Go here to enter!

Good luck!!!

one last post

2011-07-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

Another apology....my first one was done 'incorrectly' and in the way that I did it I victimized myself. I am not a victim. My daughter is. So I will try again. I am sorry to Meag for everything I ever did to her in her life...for making her feel all those ways she blogged about. For being all those ways that she says I was and am, for not being the family she wants. For not listening, for always blaming, for everything. I hope she will forgive me. Anyone else this affects too. The rest I really can not respond to... it just won't do anyone any good. I reached the end of me as anyone knew me last night. There is no turning back. One can only hope for a quick ending at the right time for everyone. There really is nothing else I can so or do. I don't have any other words to us so I hope this apology will be accepted in the manner it is intended.

I'm sorry......

end of this blog

2011-07-16T19:19:00.000-05:00

this blog will be ending immediately.....a new blog will begin in time, set as private. if you would like to be able to read it (aside from on my FB), please leave me your email address so I can add you to the new blog.

simply put...

2011-07-16T12:16:00.001-05:00

....I am what you would call the WORST kind of person.....

I am a horrible mother and a horrible daughter. I have dealt with depression, anxiety, being suicidal and I have destroyed my daughter because I am also borderline personality disorder (her diagnosis). In fact if you visit her blog you will all about how horrible that I am, all the awful things I've done and just how truly awfully I've damaged and destroyed her.

I....simply put.....am no good. It doesn't matter that I had no teaching or training in life. It doesn't matter that I truly have loved my husband and children with a deep love. It doesn't matter that I have absolutely tried my very hardest in all things. None of that matters because I failed....pure and simple.

So...Meag....I am sorry. I am sorry that you were saddled with a mother that was already a horrible daughter, a mother that was mentally unstable and a mother that turned out to be the worst mother in the world to you. I'm very sorry that you were so destroyed and damaged by me from all of the things that I ever did to you. I'm sorry for all of those things you said I've said to you. I'm sorry for blaming everything on you. I'm sorry for everything you've said and wrote about. Please forgive me if I've missed something. I hope you'll accept my apology so you can move on in your life and enjoy a wonderful, happy life as you choose. I hope this is what you were looking for from me. I deeply regret that you had to put up with me all these years in how horrible I've been.

And folks....that's it....white flag of surrender is being raised on this end. I have no more. I have nothing. Last night was the absolute end of me as I, or anyone else, knew me. I don't know where I go from here in/with anything, but it will be alone. I'm sorry for everyone that I've hurt, please forgive me. I'm sure the list is long. I promise I've always tried hard, loved greatly...but as I said it's not enough, period.

living with chronic illnesses

2011-07-07T16:24:00.000-05:00

*Some people live with depression...severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
*Some people live with anxiety issues...a state of apprehension and psychic tension.
*Some people live with fibromyalgia...fatigue and chronic pain.
*Some people live with migraines...extremely severe headaches.
*Some people live with complications from gastric bypass and/or gall bladder removal...various un-curable, ongoing complications following either or both surgeries.
*Some people live with acid reflux, thyroid, anemia, insomnia and a host of various other health issues.
*Some people grew up in terrible homes as children...dealing with alcoholism, various forms of abuse, controlling parents, bullying in school, no self-esteem, never quite being able to be 'good enough' for anyone.
*Some people never had (from birth through present circumstances) parents involved in their lives in a positive role.
*Some people have breaks in relationships with their children and/or serious issues in their marriages.

Each of these things is hard for those who do not suffer from them to understand those who do. To find someone who truly understands is rare and is a treasure.

Each of of these situations really is an awful thing to have to live with, to deal with on an ongoing basis. But can you even begin to try to imagine someone who might have to live with, deal with, every one of these situations, circumstances on a daily, minute by minute basis? It's not a picnic in the park. I think I can about guarantee that no one wants to live with the repercussions of any of these, let alone all of them. We hate it. We hate how they make us feel, what they cost us, what they do to us.

And for someone who deals with all of them life can truly be a total nightmare more often than not. Because one thing impacts another which impacts another which impacts another and so forth. So even if one isn't giving us problems if another is then we have problems in all areas. Anxiety is life changing to live with...actually anything chronic is, especially those that you can't 'see'...such as fibro or migraines or anxiety or depression. Because you do not know from one minute to the next whether you will be able to do something or if you will be sick or in bed or simply paralyzed with fear and unable to get out the door and go anywhere. Can you imagine not being able to leave your house to go do something fun with friends, even your closest friends? It stinks! Whether it's because of fibro or anxiety or migraines or whatever. Then when people don't understand and they get angry with you, when you lose friends because of it or they have words with you, then it makes it even worse for 'next' time for you. Next time it's that much harder for you to do anything. Imagine not being able to even pick up the phone to talk to a friend....or to make a dr's appt, or call the store or whatever because you get an anxiety attack just thinking about it.

You are a freak of sorts. You are different from anyone else. There is something wrong with you. You aren't good enough. You can't do enough. Then when your friends don't understand, it all gets ripped out from under you even further. Then what? Withdrawal even further?? Because that is where you immediately head...into isolation. The stress then makes all your health problems even worse as well. It is a vicious cycle.

I've lost friends, I've been alone, I've had hurtful things said to me, I've had friends not be understanding. It's impacted me negatively over and over. It shakes your trust in others. It leaves you not knowing where to turn or what to do. I've tried to be open and honest to people, sharing about me...so people would know up front what I deal with, what I go through and what my limitations are....but that does not mean that they do not get upset with me still. And that hurts. And every time it does, I tried to pick myself up, dust myself off and regroup and move on. Each time it is just a little bit harder to do, each time it hurts a little bit more, I lose a little bit more of myself.

The best way to be a friend to someone like this is to meet them on their level, to be understanding about things they are going through, realize they might have limitations and love them despite all their "faults"and if you can't, then walk away. But if you will try to do these things, you just might find it's worth it.

wednesday ramblings from me

2011-06-29T16:10:00.001-05:00

Often times an ongoing thing with me, or at least on my mind, is that of friends and friendship. It's weighing on me now and has been recently. There are reasons for that. I will be the first to admit that I'm very sensitive to things....and even more so when there is a TON of things going on in my life. But at the same time, I think my sensitivity makes me more aware of things that perhaps aren't right. And right now my gut, that thing inside me, is telling me that....two issues. And I just don't know what to do.

I will never claim to be the greatest friend. I know that there are people that are much better friends than I am, and perhaps could ever be. However I do believe that I try very hard. I simply love people, I love my friends. I want to get along with everyone! And I do mean everyone. It crushes me when I think that someone is upset with me or doesn't like me. It shouldn't....and it's not about trying to make everyone happy...I just want to get along. I forgive easily and I completely believe in second, third, tenth chances! Let me add...I even give chances over and over when it has been clear that the other person really isn't sorry or repentant. I treasure my friends. Day after day, my friends lift me up, make me smile, and get me through another day. I do not take one friend for granted.

But one thing I've learned is that no everyone treats their friends (no matter how good of a friend they are or how close you are) well. I am totally and completely stunned by how some act, the hurts that they cause because of their behaviors and/or words. This past week has been a lesson in this that I won't soon forget....and has left me just wondering what to do, how to act, what to say and where in the world do I go from here?! I asked the question on my FB last night about how you knew when someone was really a friend or not. Let me stop and say that I have a LOT of great, wonderful and yes TRUE friends that I love, adore and truly treasure. But there are relationships where I am getting hurt and I don't know whether to continue them or how to or how not to if need be. I want to get along with everyone...but I don't want to put myself in situations where I'm constantly being hurt. Especially when it seems that it's on purpose and/or totally mean and/or just thoughtless.

I was listening to the words of Rascal Flatt's song "I Won't Let Go" today. Here are some of them:
You think your lost
But your not lost on your own
Your not alone
I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
If you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I wont let go

I absolutely love this song! And why? It's because THIS is the kind of friend I want! Now I know that we do have friends that are different 'types' (for lack of a better word) but for the most part I want friends that feel, think, act like this. Friends that are....well, friends! At least in my sense of the word. And especially those 'friends' that claim to be so close to you.

But at the same time...I want to be this friend. And if you are a friend of mine (and chances are if you are reading this, I believe you are a friend of mine) and you don't feel that I'm this kind of friend...if you don't feel that I love you and if you don't think that I'd drop anything and everything and be there in a heartbeat if you needed me and it was at all within my power to do so and if you don't feel like you could pick up the phone and call me if you really needed me....then I am doing something wrong and I want to make it right. PLEASE message me and tell me where I'm falling short in our friendship...because you are important to me.

Friendship, just as in in other relationship, is a two way thing. It can not be all one person giving and trying and being there....it has to go both ways. BOTH people have to feel important to each other, they have to feel that the other person is there, they have to give their best to each other. If it is one sided, it needs to be rethought. That's where I am right now and not knowing what to do.

On the positive side, God has been so good to bring so many wonderful, wonderful people into my life; those that I feel so close to, that I feel are more sisters than just friends. Some of these people I have known for YEARS, some I've just met, some I have never met in person, some I talk to all the time and some I talk to now and then, some were not friends years ago and yet I'm so close with now. It just amazes me. I've found healing in my friendships. I have one friendship that I am overjoyed to have...and when we were kids it was pretty bad (def not a friendship if you know what I mean)...it's amazing now! If I were to put up pictures of everyone I feel so close to it would cover my walls...how blessed is that!

At the same time, I still mourn over the relationships that didn't work out, or don't seem to be going anywhere positive or that I feel hurt in.

So I write all of this to say....love each other, friends, just love each other. It doesn't require that much of us to do that. THINK before you speak...your words have the power to build someone up or totally destroy them (as has happened to me the past 1-2 days by 2 people)....just think...how is what you say going to come across? Is your friend going to feel good about what you say or are they going to feel put down and mistrusted and not believed and not cared enough about. Think about what you do. Perhaps you don't think it's a big deal, but what about your friend? Will they be hurt? Will they feel like you are doing something negative on purpose? And if you ARE? It's much better to just be honest and let that "friend" go instead of deliberately hurting someone. We should not do that to each other. Be considerate, be thoughtful, think of how you want to be treated. Is it one-sided? Are you there for your friend? Do they know that? Do they think you want to spend time with them or do they feel as if they are a bother?

Let me end this with saying again how much I love my friends....all of them. If I didn't, this whole issues (both of them) would not be so hard on me. I'd be able to just dump it and move on. But that's not me. I'm not mean or uncaring. And as I said, if you don't feel those things above about me...TELL ME so I can fix it. I would give anything if I could be honest with some. I treasure honestly so much and I despise being lied to. And most often the person lying either doesn't know or doesn't care that the other person can totally see through their lie. Then it's even harder to deal with. I want to be a great friend....and I hope my friends want to be that too!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!

Dave's Father's Day present

2011-06-22T12:44:00.000-05:00

For Dave's Father's Day present, my wonderful friend Becky (Christensen Photography) took some pictures of Gracie and I. Here is just a preview of the ones we liked best:

I think this one is probably my absolute favorite:

Didn't she do a great job? If you are in my area and need pictures taken, please contact Becky!

lies, regrets and life

2011-06-20T13:57:00.000-05:00

Anyone that has lost someone (esp a parent) at a time when there wasn't communication between you, knows the feeling of regret. It's a horrible feeling of longing, of regret and of guilt. But you know...people don't live forever...and we just never know when God will call them home. It is utterly life changing when you lose someone and haven't spoken to them in awhile for whatever the reason but especially if the circumstances are negative. Of course if you have no control over that, then you have to let the feelings go. I've been on both sides...neither one is fun. But if you know you haven't done anything you can go on easier than if there was something should (or should not) have done. We have to think about the older people in our lives and realize that we could lose them at any time. Do we care? Do we care enough to make sure the relationship is right? Or are we more interested in self serving thoughts and behaviors and actions?

Lies are just simply....wrong. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. There is simply NO reason to lie, especially to loved ones (family/friends). And the thing that most people that lie don't realize.....that the lie is usually discovered by SOMEONE whether they call them out on it or not. You can take it, clean it up,dress it up how you want, call it whatever you'd like, but it's still a LIE. It is deceptive and manipulative. Dr. Phil has a good saying that pertains sometimes: "you'll know he's lying when he opens his mouth." Know anyone like that? I value honesty and if it is something that someone is going to be disappointed in you about, better that they are disappointed in that than in your lying to them. Same way with getting into 'trouble'....better that you get in trouble for the truth, then for lies.

And life? It's hard, it stinks, it's messing and most of the time it's not fun. Well, not if you are acting like an adult. Those that aren't, maybe life is more fun for them....although that will catch up with them at some point. Life is hard work, as is relationships. You have to decide what and who is most important and put your efforts and priorities into that/them. Your behaviors, attitudes, actions, and words show very clearly where your priorities lie. It also determines who gets hurt by you. You have a responsibility in how you treat others and how you hurt them.

Oh, and one further thought....we all know that as parents we should not play favorites with our kids. That's not fair to them, we love them both and we loved them equally. We would never treat one better than the other (or at least good moms and dads wouldn't). I'm going to go one step further....I believe that kids should NOT play favorites with their parents....at least adult children. Young children are learning and over time will learn that this is wrong (at least we hope they do); they base things on who is disciplining them etc. But adult children should be just that....adults. And when they begin to treat one parent 'better', 'differently' than the other, they need a serious wake up call. It's wrong, it's disrespectful. It damages the relationship between the parents, forces them to make decisions that perhaps they wouldn't have and it destroys the relationship between them and the parent that they are disrespecting. It is burning bridges that are very hard to rebuild. No one in life deserves to be disrespected and especially not a parent who loves unconditionally. And there are many, many ways that this disrespect can happen and if it is going on and people claim not to see, they are lying to themselves. But the truth speaks loud and clear. It is shown in those behaviors, those words, those actions.

So....where are you in lies, regrets and life....and favoritism? Do you have relationships that you need to mend before it is too late (because someone is no longer around either literally or figuratively)? Do you care enough to do so?

Giveway!!

2011-06-15T07:59:00.000-05:00

Awesome giveway: Around The Seasons Afghan Book....

Go HERE to check it out and enter! Don't miss out!

Addiction

2011-06-08T11:44:00.000-05:00

Wed 6/8/11

This morning I watched a Dr. Phil rerun on the OWN channel. I've been watching a lot of Dr. Phil the past few months. Not so much that I really like him, or what he has to say but I like hearing the stories and seeing the outcomes....sometimes in astonishment, outrage, laughter, etc.

This morning it was on addiction to pills. One thing I do like about him and his show is that he offers help and assistance to the people that come on there. This wife/mom that was on was severely addicted to multiple pills....prescription pills. Her husband was about to leave her, she had kids that was seeing the behaviors. Dr Phil had some help for her and she left straight from the show to take advantage of this help.

Some women (men, too, for that matter) willingly get themselves in this position and they don't care. They just want the high that they get. They don't care what they have to do, who they hurt or what it costs. They WANT to be in this position.

However, there are others that all of a sudden one day wake up and find themselves addicted to pills.....they don't want to be in this position, they don't want to be craving pills or be putting themselves and their families through this. They want to be free...but once hooked, it becomes virtually impossible for them to get out of this nightmare. Maybe they feel like there is no one who cares whether they are hooked or not; maybe family members don't see it or turn their heads the other way so that they don't have to deal with it. Maybe the person or the family doesn't realize the dangers of this behavior. One day might be one pill too many.

These addictions do not have to be to illegal things, nor do they have to be for prescription medicines....although often times they are. They can be on virtually anything, even over the counter meds. The person who is abusing any substance may not even know why they are doing it or what they expect from it etc. But they find they can not stop the behavior, regardless of how much they want to....and they continue to play Russian Roulette with their lives.

Often times it will require a professional to help the person break the addiction. I heard it said that once addicted to something, anything, that your brain changes and you can't make good conscious decisions...not until you are 'healed' from it.

Do you know anyone who has had this problem? It is more of an issue than most people are aware of. A person who is abusing any kind pills (or anything for that matter) need the love and support of friends and family, they need honestly and accountability; they need unconditional love and lots of help to get through the tough times.

I can tell you first hand that this is a monstrous nightmare to get into....and virtually impossible to get out of, no matter how badly you want to. It makes you feel guilty, it makes you feel dirty and a part from others, as if anyone learned of your 'secret' they would think badly of you and not like you.

The addict has no willpower. They want to change, but they can't alone....short of a miracle by God (which can happen, thank God). They need people that they can be honest with and be safe in sharing their issues/addictions with. If you know someone dealing with this...please be there for them. Give them a safe place to come and help them through this time. Ask them what you can do to help them break this cycle and pattern.

Don't ever think that you are above falling in to these destructive behaviors. Because most addicts will tell you that they NEVER thought that this was ever something they would have to worry about. They would have been completely sure they would never do something as awful as this....but yet, here they are. Addiction is no respector of persons. It can attack anyone, anywhere, anytime.

Many people will think they have it 'under control' when really they are just fooling themselves. They don't always see the behaviors that others see. They are in denial and even when they become honest with themselves they may still try to justify things or see them as 'not that bad.' Many times they will quit the behaviors just to have something, some incident or situation or person, cause them to return to the addiction. And that makes it even harder to get away from it the 2nd or 3rd or 10th time. Sometimes when one type of pill is no longer available they will simply substitute something else. Maybe they have abused prescription meds but when the pills run out before it can be renewed they turn to over the counter meds. It's a cycle and it's vicious. When the people around them do not lovingly confront them and help them, they convince themselves that they aren't acting differently or weirdly when taking something.

Bottom line....love deeply, unconditionally, recognize the signs, be a support, hold accountable....but try not to judge or make to feel guilty.

Book Review: Reggie (Reggie Dabbs with John Driver)

2011-05-20T07:40:00.000-05:00

Book Review: Reggie (Reggie Dabbs with John Driver)

Thanks to Book Sneeze, I was able to read this wonderfully inspiring book. Reggie Dabbs is a motivational speaker to students in the high school age, as well as at-risk kids. He has a story that is easy for many to relate to and a way of speaking that draws them in. Reggie shows the love of God, regardless of your circumstances. In this book, Reggie tells many stories (of family, friends, strangers) that are so inspiring. He makes you want to do more, to reach out. He makes it clear that change is always possible. It is impossible to read this without seeing Reggie's faith. He shows it in his words, his actions, his behavior. He uses scripture and Bible stories frequently. Questions are provided at the end of each chapter for individual study or group study.

I highly recommend this book for a great inspiration read!

important words

2011-05-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

*thank you*
*i love you*
*i'm sorry*
*i was wrong*
*i miss you*
*please forgive me*

These are some of the most important words....important to say and important to hear.

What happens when they aren't said when they need to be? A person can lose hope; relationships can be hurt, broken, further damaged; lives can be changed drastically.

Likewise, when these words are spoken, wonderful things can happen. But they also need to be spoken at the right time. If you allow too much time to pass the honesty of the words can be questioned. If someone does something for you or gives you something, be thankful and say so!

We are all humans, we all make mistakes; none of us are perfect by any means, no matter how much we want to think we are. But always, in all things and with all people, these words should never be far from our lips. Use them honestly, but use them often! No one can hear these things too often.

If some of these are easy for you and others not so easy, practice those that aren't so easy. Make it a point in all your relationships to be open and honest and shower each other with words that will affirm, that will strengthen the other person AND your relationship with them, and that will last long after they are spoken.

I love you all......

Book Review: Necessary Heartbreak (Michael J Sullivan)

2011-05-01T10:50:00.000-05:00

Necessary Heartbreak, A Novel of Faith and Forgiveness (by Michael J Sullivan)

Quite by accident I picked up this book from the library. I was not sure whether it would be something I would like to read or not, but thought I would give it a try. One word: WOW!

I LOVED the book....I couldn't put it down, didn't want it to end and wanted more when I was done with it.

The front cover says: "Sometimes life's greatest losses become the most wondrous blessings....", and the back cover says: "An extraordinary journey back in time shows a struggling single dad that the faith he's lost is still alive - and stronger than ever...".

This single dad (and his teenage daughter) are struggling from the loss of his wife (her mom). They step through a door at the local church and find themselves in Jerusalem during Holy Week. Their first hand account of the events that week will grab you and make you feel as if you were there also.

Take a break and go on this journey with this dad and daughter. It will revive your passion and love for God in a new way. The book is gripping, well written and easy to read.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Book Review: Max on Life (Max Lucado)

2011-04-26T11:03:00.000-05:00

Thanks to BOOKSNEEZE, I received the book Max on Life by Max Lucado to read and review.

I have always loved Max Lucado's book, but let me tell you that this one is a MUST HAVE, MUST READ book for all of us. Whether you are a seasoned Christian, a new Christian, or still searching, this book is filled with info for everyone!
u thi
Do you have questions that you really want an answer to but you are afraid to ask someone? Perhaps you are too embarrassed, you are worried about what someone might think about your question or you just don't know who to ask. This book will answer those questions, both big and small, for you!

It is an easy read, broken in to chapters of same subjects. Max Lucado has the ability to answer the questions, giving you scripture reference, with easy to understand words. So that no matter where you are on your journey, you can pick this book up and be able to apply parts of it to you and your life. You can see that others have the same questions you do.

I highly recommend this book to everyone! You will not regret picking this one up...and while you are at it, pick one up for a friend as well! Enjoy! And if you read it, please let me know what you think of it!

Looking for a support system...

2011-04-25T10:11:00.000-05:00

Well, probably most people reading this knows me...and knows that I'm ALL about being open and honest in pretty much all things. I don't see that changing, grin....it's just who I am. It's nice to have a space of so many letters to share in my status on facebook about something going on...then to read the replies of love and support.

But I have discovered that sometimes you need to know who you can go to privately. Perhaps there is a situation that is too private to share in the manner, or perhaps you need some input but not from everyone, or perhaps you don't want to hurt someone's feelings in sharing like that. In those times you need to have people that you can send a private message, or email to, and ask advice or their thoughts, etc. But sometimes I've found that you just aren't sure WHO to turn to. You interact with lots of people on facebook on a daily basis, but who can you turn to that cares enough to be there?

That's the question I'm asking this morning. One reason I'm asking is that reaching out is HARD, HARD, HARD for me. But recently I've done it several times and the person (people) have not been there. Then you have a bad situation, stepping out of your comfort level to ask for help, and then hurt because they were not there. Oh boy!

SO....my question to you....who will be on my support team if I need someone to go to for help, advice, or just to listen? It won't be for everyone, of course. We have all types of friends and it's ok for this to not be the right 'friendship relationship' for you. But if you care enough...please drop me a note, or comment on this so I can compile a list of those I know will not mind if I come to them.

Thank you!

AKA The Vacuum Cleaner

2011-04-22T09:14:00.000-05:00

GRACIE.....aka The Vacuum Cleaner!

That's what her softball coaches call her. She's the Lady Bruins First Baseman....and boy can that child ever s-t-r-e-c-t-c-h to sweep up those balls coming towards her to get those outs at first base!

I'm so proud of her....she does a great job, as does all the girls on her team. We have the best coaches too!

And I really love that they gave her a nickname.....it's so cute. You can tell she loves it as well, even as she pretends to be embarassed! Hopefully I'll get some 'in action' pics soon!

Where does the time go?

2011-04-18T18:15:00.000-05:00

April 18, 1990 to April 18, 2011
21 years!

Happy Birthday sweet baby girl! You'll always be my baby, no matter how old that you get. I hope that your day is all that you have wanted and more. I know you've been waiting a long time for today to arrive. I hope you like your present.

I love you beautiful girl....never forget that.

All my love, always,
Mom

how do you tell your six yr old....

2011-04-15T10:53:00.000-05:00

....that her sister, who she adores, has blocked her on Facebook?

Poor Gracie went on her Facebook yesterday and wanted to look Sissy up and write on her wall...only Sissy has blocked all of us so Gracie couldn't find her. I had to quietly tell her that she couldn't find Sissy's site. She was upset but she let it go after a little bit.

She moved on to going to my site and looking at my friends and she says, "Mom, I found your friend April." I asked her 'April who?' She says "W a t e r s". I said ' That's my niece, that is your cousin, your Aunt Lisa and Uncle Ken's daughter.' She giggled and went on with her business.

Oh to be six....

Be My Bridge?

2011-04-14T15:19:00.000-05:00

When you read this note/blog, most people will be very quick to answer with 'I'm there, I'm here for you, etc'. But before you quickly write something off the top of your head, really think about...think about the words, the meaning, what it really does mean to be someone's bridge. Not everyone is like this.

Bridge

When you're weary

Feeling small

When tears are in your eyes

I will dry them all

I'm on your side

When times get rough

And friends just can't be found

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

When you're down and out

When you're on the street

When evening falls so hard

I will comfort you

I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

Sail on Silver Girl,

Sail on by

Your time has come to shine

All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine

If you need a friend

I'm sailing right behind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will ease your mind

I think that most people really want someone that they know beyond a shadow of a doubt will be their bridge. I know I do.

But what does it mean to be someone's bridge? Maybe it means something different to each person? I can give you what I think it means. For me to have someone be my bridge it would mean that I know that without a doubt, short of an emergency in their own lives, that this person would always, beyond question, be there for me, in the space of a microsecond, without hesitation, regardless of the situation, the day or the time.

It would mean that I could pick up a phone and call them any time of the day or night and know they would be on the other end. It would mean that I would send a text and again short of an emergency (of course within reason, if they are at work, or something like that of course that's different), you know that within a reasonable period of time they would be there to respond. It would mean that you could send them something by email and know that you'd get a response as soon as is earthly possible.

It would be a complete knowing deep in your soul that if you needed them and it was within their power they would be there in minutes. A knowing that you would not have to ask someone to come because you need them, but knowing that as soon as they knew you were in need, in trouble, there would be no question but that they would be there.

Many friends can not physically be there for you because they don't live near you, but there are many ways that they can still be there for you even despite the distance. Just a few days ago I received an excellent example of that. Friends (more than family) on a yahoo group I'm on all spent time making an afghan for me, which they surprised me (by mail) with. I was shocked. I have it in the room near me where I can constantly see it, a constant reminder of their love for me.

But despite physical distance seperating you from someone, how many people really and truly would, will, are, be a TRUE bridge for someone. Many times, even though you have lots of awesome friends, you feel like you are alone, for one reason or another. It is a sad feeling, one that really hurts. And of course many people will 'say' I'm here for you. But when push comes to shove, are they? I mean really and truly there for you, as a bridge over that troubled water, there for you in a split second if you need them?

Someone that should you really need them is there in the middle of the night to answer that phone and help you through that time. Someone that responds when you reach out to them, in the "minute" not later. Someone that will show up at the hospital to sit with you, without you having to ask or reach out to.

I have learned in all of my experiences, especially recently, that I'm not alone. That there a lots of people that find things hard to do, just as I do. People that are going through depression and/or anxiety and find reaching out, calling people, asking for help, just getting out of the house, etc to be things they can't find the strength to do. Are you willing to reach out anyway? Are you willin got help that friend, to encourage them, to meet them where they are? Many times being a friend of someone like this means that you have to reach out to them, to help them break through from where they are. Most people are willing to be that kind of friend because it requires you to be the first one to do something or to be the one that has to do more in the relationship.

So before you quickly respond to anyone with the answer 'I'm always here for you'....really think about what that means....and if you truly love someone and will be their 'bridge'....make sure they know it....before it's too late.

makes it hard....

2011-04-13T16:33:00.002-05:00

Well, if you know me even a little bit, you will probably know that being open and honest and sharing my heart. It's me, it's at the core of who I am. Being completely transparent so that God might help me to reach others by showing them that I understand.

But the various events of the past couple of week really have me pulling back, watching my words, weighing their impact. I hate that. About, at least right now, I don't feel that I can really share what's on my heart and in my mind. That leaves me feeling VERY VERY alone. I want to share, it helps me! I don't know what to do....

Searching,
Ems

Some days~

2011-04-04T07:29:00.000-05:00

One reason I struggle so much is that it seems that it can never be just 'one' thing to deal with. One thing I can handle. But for some reason it is one thing on top of another on top of another, etc. Some days they come so fast on each other that I can't catch my breath.

Yesterday, despite my best efforts, was one of those days. FOUR different things, one on top of another hit me. The first stunned me and left me just unsure what to do, the next one made me cry (hard), the third also made me sad and the last cause me to explode into a fit in the living room.

I slept well last night but of course woke up to the same hurts, the same things, the same sucky things. Today I can only hope to manage to take it one min at a time and hope the hits are done for right now. Because it would not take much to tip me over the edge at this point.

I can't believe we have to find a new church. I love our church but we can't be around Gracie's birth mom. I'm livid and I do mean livid that we were not at least warned that she was starting to go there. That caused my explosion. But ok, that just means NONE of them will see Gracie any more. I put her first, period...and evidently none of them do.

I don't even have the strength to search for churches or try to find something. I'm numb about the whole thing and stuck in the 'this is not fair' mode.

So today I will finish the last thing I have to make for a friend and then to work on my other friend's afghan, I need to get it done. All else will wait...

done

2011-04-03T15:07:00.002-05:00

that's it....just done....

It hurts to be a Mom

2011-04-03T08:54:00.000-05:00

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It hurts, sometimes so much that you feel like you can barely take a breath in without everything hurting. It especially hurts when you are the parent that is hated and your spouse is not. What can you do except to keep on going? Pray, pray, pray.....pray that one day things will change, things will be different. I have raised my oldest, to adulthood. I didn't want her to leave the house, it was her choice. I was against it, she wanted it, we let her. We've provided three years worth of support since she moved out. However, I also have a 6 year old that needs to still be raised, with the same set of values that we instilled in our oldest, whether she kept to them or not. My youngest needs my attention, she needs my directives and my teaching, she needs my energy.

I'm completely again excuses and far too often I think some use excuses for their behaviors. I'm about finding solutions to those things we can....and many of them we can...IF we chose to try to do things. However just to sit back and say 'oh I'm this way so that's it' just doesn't cut it for me. We can overcome many things IF we try.

One thing that is often said is something along the lines of my oldest being in college, spreading her wings, etc. However I'm also a firm believer that just because you reach 18 and/or you go to college it does NOT in any way mean that you have to go down a wrong path and experiment with things. I know MANY kids who reach this age, who go to college and they stay on that path that their parents raised them on, they hang on to their beliefs and morals. Once again not using excuses but taking the hard path and making it.

Small update....after I sent out the terms the other night to my oldest, she replied. She questioned a couple of things and after I answered, she said the words that absolutely broke my heart (and which she probably knew would), she said: goodbye. I quickly replied that we loved her regardless and she ignored me. I have heard nothing since then. Another knife in the heart was hearing that she called Dave on Friday. He shared with me that she's decided to move to VA in a couple of months, back where we moved from (despite the fact that this means she will be leaving approx one semester from graduating from college and she will then have like $30,000 in college loans to immediately begin paying back). Now I guess I'm being blamed for the rules, even though Dave and I wrote them ALL completely together...but she will call him and she's ignoring me. If, as a parent, you don't think this hurts, just pray that you never have to go through anything like this.

Of course she can do as she choses and she can move to VA if she wants. However she won't be able to take her car if we don't have the title back to sign over to her and she doesn't have a license and/or insurance.

She's lashing out in little ways. She's deleted some of my friends off of her facebook even though they were friends of hers as well. But it's all in lashing out at me, not Dave. I don't know what will happen over the next bit. Her birthday is on the 18th. Right now I'm assuming she does not want to spend it with me, although I'm sure she will want to see Dave. What a nightmare.

I want to stay a HUGE thank you to each of you that reached out publically and privately and encouraged me, supported me, loved on me. Without fail everyone said our terms were WAY more than fair, that we were being extremely kind, etc. So many people have told us they understand...and one wonderful friend showed up at my door with McDonald's coke to love on me and tell me her story and give me hope (thank you Cathy). I needed that, I needed SOMEONE to care that much that they would drop everything and come to me. Cathy exemplified Christ's love at that moment. I know so many of you would have been here if you lived close enough. Thank you....the thought means the world to me.

It is going to get a lot worse before it gets better, I'm afraid, esp by being told goodbye, ignored and then calling Dave but having nothing to do with me. I can't do anything. I can't make her see that Dave and I stand completely firm in this. In fact the day that everything happened this week he had words with her more than I did....but yet I'm the one getting "punished". It hurts and I hope you never have to go through this.

I don't see my daughter as a failure. I see that she's made and is making bad, poor choices. I see that she's claiming ignorance and blaming everything but refusing to take responsibility once again. I love her regardless. I hope one day....

emptiness

2011-04-01T08:07:00.000-05:00

loneliness
depression
anger
sadness
pain
wishing
needing
worried
hurt
alone

God, so much more....
This is raw, open honestly.....

I have the greatest friends (and I REALLY mean the greatest friends...who never fail to let me know they are praying for me, supporting me, encouraging me, loving me)...the only problem is 99% of them live "in my computer"....meaning that they do not live near me. They can not be physically here for me, even though I truly believe that many of them would be if they could. I want them here with me. I want someone to show up, put their arms around me, cry with me, tell me it's going to be ok, that she won't hate me forever, sit by me, listen, take care of me. I don't think Dave can do it this time because he's hurting so much and so angry himself. It's not fair to put it on him.

Instead I sit alone, isolating even more. Feeling like I should just give up. Feeling like it's never going to change. Wishing I had someone. Knowing that due to my depression and anxiety I can't make myself reach out to anyone and ASK for help, but needing it just the same. Yet no one realizes that....or is it that they just don't care? or are too busy with their lives? Can't they 'fit' me in?

I feel myself regressing. I feel myself pulling away even further. I'm hurt, I'm all those things listed above and more.

I don't want to be like this, I don't want to feel like this. But right now I'm in a crisis state and I'm aware of it. Not in a crisis state like I'm going to do something to hurt myself....actually I have too much anger for that. I've been there and right now that's not a concern. But I am in a crisis state where I feel like I'm alone, going through all of this.

And all of this is aside from my wonderful, terrific friends who I correspond with daily online (facebook, emails, etc). I KNOW you all are there for me all the time. I appreciate that, I appreciate you and I thank you for all that.

I'm rambling this morning.....there's so much in me but the words just won't come. Partially because I don't want to upset someone even though I'm the one that's hurt....time and time again. I feel like I'm only good enough 'in words'...but not in action.

It's just me....my jammies....my yarn....maybe that's how it will always be. Maybe that's just life for me? Maybe I need to let go of my wishes and dreams for things/people....and just realize that it's not going to change. I'm not going to be that person that has friends and activities, etc. I need to let it all go.

This morning I'm bone deep sad, weary....feeling like I can barely move. I know, without one doubt, that we did the right thing....but it hurts. There's guilt.

I'm just alone, me and God. I pray I can feel His arms around me today because I don't know how I"ll make it through today without feeling someone's arms.

I'm done, I wave the white flag, I give up....

not unexpected, but...still hurts

2011-03-31T21:19:00.002-05:00

Last message form....'bye'

My reply...'We love you, regardlss

Her reply....nothing....not one word, just being ignore, despite knowing she has been online.

:-(

our "terms"

2011-03-31T19:01:00.000-05:00

Dave and I sat down tonight and worked up what we were comfortable in terms of what we expect going forth. We are in complete agreement. We've sent this to our oldest and are waiting on acknowledgement that she's received them and understand what we expect. I just know that all "you know what will explode' but this is the right thing for everyone

Here's what we had to say:

BANK ACCOUNT: Account is overdrawn over $250.00. Must be brought current by one week from tomorrow, 4/8/11, in order that I can be removed from the account.

APARTMENT: As of today, 3/31/11, I have met with the apartment financial person and removed us as guarantors of the apartment. You are not to resign a lease, you are not to use our name or any info for anything regarding this apartment, nor any other. At the end of this lease (July?) you will be required to find alternative housing somewhere else, unless you pay this apartment 3 months in advance.

HEALTH CLUB: At the end of this contract (should be June), you will be removed from our account and if you wish to continue you will need to get set up on your own.

CELL PHONE: On May 1, 2011 your current cell phone will be disconnected. At that time you will need to get your own cell phone plan in order to continue having service at VW or elsewhere.

CAR/CAR INSURANCE: We expect that the car should be paid off through the bankruptcy sometime in the next few months. At that time we will sign the title over to you. At that point you will be required to get insurance in your name as we will remove you from our policy. Right now you have until two weeks from tomorrow, 4/15/11, to provide proof that you have registered the car with current tags. You have 30 days from tomorrow to satisfy the court citation and provide proof to us that that has been done in order to keep your license. If proof of registration is not given, or if your license is suspended, the car will be parked at our house and you will be removed from our insurance. Further, if at any time you have any type of accident or receive any further tickets, the car will likewise be parked and you will be removed from our insurance. If you get stopped and/or get a ticket for texting while driving, not only will the car be parked and you removed from our insurance, but the cell phone will be disconnected immediately.

HEALTH INSURANCE: You will remain on our health insurance through Dec 31, 2011. From now until then you will be responsible for all co pays for any doctor visits, hospital visits, medications and anything else pertaining to your part. If anything remains unpaid, you will be removed from our insurance.

Please respond right away that you acknowledge receipt of this and understand our terms.

Nothing more, nothing less said.....just waiting on a reply. I'm sure Dave will get one instead of me. She won't answer my calls, return texts, etc from me.

Smoke and wrecked vans

2011-03-31T17:08:00.000-05:00

Well to say that today has been any better than yesterday or Sunday would be a lie. It just continues....one thing after another after another.

Let me give a disclaimer right from the start: I love my child, completely and totally. I have raised her with the right values. She knows right from wrong. I might not (do not) approve of her behavior, her words, her actions, etc...but at this point I would not get 'on' her for most things. Now if it was something that directly affected me, yes I would. However if she choses to drink or smoke or sleep with a guy (or a girl), or take drugs (or whatever) she has to answer for her choices, but not to me. I'm confident that I have instilled the values in her, but if she choses to go a different path, she makes those choices. It doesn't mean that I don't love her if I don't agree or if she choses something other than the values we instilled in her. I do. As I said, if something does directly affect me (say financially), then yes I have something to say. Until she is totally and completely on her own if it affects me, I may (and probably will) say something.

I posted several months ago about some of the issues that we were going through that directly affected me. We decided at that point that some things were going to change over the next months. The past few days have clearly shown that all of this needs to take place now. What I won't do is be a part of going down a wrong path. Again, doesn't mean I don't love her because I do. But a good parent does not enable, a good parent shows tough love and lets their child learn life lessons, sometimes the hard way.

Yesterday a couple of people got upset with me on my Facebook because a seemingly tiny incident pushed me over the edge. A library book was not returned a week ago as asked. She was asked to do it because she was driving my van while Dad was fixing her car. So I had no transportation. Not too much to ask, nor too much to expect from a 21 year old adult. She should be responsibly enough to handle that one task while having the privilege of driving my van. But once again, it didn't happen. Yes it was a tiny small thing...but after last weekend it pushed me over the edge.

You see Gracie (my 6 yr old) stayed with my oldest (21 in a couple of weeks) on Sat/Sun while we went away for our 25th anniversary. This is only the second time (the other was on our 20th anniversary) that we have been able to go away for a night. It was a wonderful time for Dave and I. And then we came home...end of the great time, quickly, sharply, like a big smack in the face.

You see, first I had to go to Hooters to pick up my 6 year old. Great role models there. We came to the house. Dirty dishes and trash in all rooms, nothing picked up. Gracie complained that she had barely gotten anything to eat (and food we left was still there). My oldest has been driving my van since Jan when her car needed repairs. Once before I smelled smoke (a DEF no no in my vehicle) and she said it happened once and wouldn't happen again. Only now my 6 yr old is telling me that her sister and her friend were smoking while driving my van AGAIN. *Note: I got my van back day before yesterday....it totally smells like smoke and whatever they tried to cover it up with*. She also told us there was an incident of texting and driving (another no no). It's our car, we pay the insurance to insure her, we pay the cell phone bill. Hmm... Now my 6 yr old is not around smoking, or people who smoke. But she sure had some big details about how the ashes were being flicked out the window. She was crying because her sister would not admit to doing it (she did admit to the texting while driving), she asked us to get her sister on the phone so she could confront her, or ask her to come home so she could talk to her. There is NO WAY she was making any of this up....from the details, the upset, the smell in the van, etc. OH....and when we got home we not only found the mess, we found the dogs in the house (instead of outside where they are supposed to be when no one is home), and not one animal had been fed that day (we didn't get home until 6pm). During the 24+ hours she had our little one, she left her with friends of hers until late at night as well. One day was all we asked!

So our homecoming was sure not a pleasant experience. We realized that we would not be able to leave our 6 yr old with her older sister again. That means no more trips for us, despite the fact that we desperately need them. But we can not trust her to watch the little one.

The library book was just the block that tipped it all over after all that.

Well, so it appears it is time for the tough love to begin. We talked about some time tables for when we would require her to get her own cell phone/plan, her own car insurance/ health insurance, etc.

AND then today happens. It was the first time I've gotten in the van since I got it back on Tuesday and I was excited to be able to leave the house and have some freedom, just to run around. First I'm hit with the smell in the van....GAG. No gas, period....took me $65 to fill it up. I expected that however. I didn't expect the two bags of trash that she left on my front porch when she cleaned the van out to give it back to me.

First stop in town....at the bank to remove myself from the checking account that we opened with her and I when she graduated from high school. Only the bank can not remove me until the account is 'current' (if you get my point). Got a print out, ok, I'm not so happy now.

Next stop, her apartment complex. When she first signed her lease she was 17 and they required us to sign as guarantor....not telling us that this renews each time SHE resigns her lease. Now I've already told her that she is not to sign another lease. So I removed us as guarantor. Had a long discussion with the lady in the office and learned so many things about my daughter and her activities, etc that I left there sick to my stomach. She will have to do something else for next year. This lease goes through July I believe. But she can do nothing with us further. Rent is due tomorrow. She lost her job when she went to FL for spring break (with money she really didn't have) and is now only working very part time. So not only does she have to pay the bank, but rent is due by 16th or she's evicted.

The worst was yet to come. I was running errands and came out of a store, walking towards the van. This time I had parked with no cars around me and all of a sudden I realize that the front of the van has been wrecked. She (or someone she allowed to drive it) has hit something. I called Dave, sent him a picture. Drove, extremely upset, to the next store. Came out, walking towards the van and look at the back/side...IT'S BEEN WRECKED there too. Something else has been hit. Poor Dave gets phone call number 4 about that. I hear from him she claims to know nothing about either thing. This from the one who has had 100 accidents in 5 years.

OH OH....I forgot....yesterday's mail brought a notice that her license is being suspended in 30 days for failure to satisfy a citation she got in NOVEMBER....again, she claims to know nothing about it and of course we never heard anything about it. We knew she got pulled over for expired tags in Jan and she said she did not get a ticket then. Since then she's been driving the van until her car was fixed. Car passed inspection yesterday but there's no money to get tags that I can see. So we'll see what happens with this.

So where does that leave us? Mad, angry, hurt, disappointed....but we still love her. We just don't love her choices, period. I've literally been sick to my stomach today over all of this, shaking. We are done. The bank account has to be brought current immediately so I can be removed. She will only be allowed in this apartment through this lease (July) and then she has to do something else. In the next month or two she'll have to get her own cell phone plan separate from ours. The car should be paid off in a few months, she'll have to get her own insurance and she'll come off of our health insurance as well. Lastly she'll come off of the health club in June as well when the contract is up. She's on her own. She will have to answer for the poor choices she's made and she'll have to learn some hard life lessons in order to make it through life. But Mom and Dad are done, completely done being financially and legally responsible for things. It's negatively affecting us, hurting our credit, costing us hugely in our auto insurance, etc.

The very sad thing is that she has pulled away from us. Our 6 yr cries wanting her Sissy to come see her. There's no time for us. Fine if it was just us, but it's not fair to our little one; she doesn't understand.

So for the third day this week, I'm left with these feelings, worries, decisions need to be made....ones that are SO hard to make but yet they have to be. I think it will get much much worse before it gets better...but it's time.

Now, one more thing....unless you know every detail and you have walked completely in my shoes, please do not judge me, do not judge my thoughts or our decisions. We are doing what we know to be best for everyone. I don't want people trashing me again in the midst of all of this. If you feel negatively towards me, please just ignore me, don't read. But if you've been there, if you understand I'd love to know that I'm not alone in all of this.

It's not a fun place to be period.

wow, my day was awful, how was yours?

2011-03-30T19:39:00.000-05:00

My day, from the start, has been awful. Yes, we all know that I'm sensitive. So I get hurt. I let people and their words and actions hurt me. I'm human.

You know, I'm not going to please everyone all the time, I'm rarely going to please anyone part of the time. I am ME....plain and simple...I am just ME....faults and all...things you like and things you don't. I don't know any other way to be.

Most of you would think that my daughter not returning a library book is such a small, little thing that you can't understand why it upset me so much. My point? #1 If you truly understand everything going on, you might know what this simple small thing pushed me over the edge (and only a couple of people know it all) and #2 sometimes people just need love and support and encouragement. They don't need to look at a different perspective, etc. That's kind of like a guy trying to 'solve' it all....when his girl only wants love.

I don't think I'm a bad person. I don't think that the way I feel etc is wrong. I don't think that the whole basis of me (very outspoken and honest) is wrong or bad. It hurts when other thinks that I am or it is. Actually not that they think it because everyone is certainly entitled to how they think, but rarely the comments that are made. If there was something I disagreed with, I would never say something. I try to only post if it's something loving, encouraging, supportive period. If I don't agree, I move on.

Every time I get so far down that I just think I'll throw in the towel, give up facebook and hibernate myself until Jesus comes home, someone says to me that my openness is what they like, they affirm the very essence of me, which is to be myself on MY page, share my feelings.

I can't always be a ray of sunshine. I try to post as positive as I can, as often as I can. But I'm also honest enough to be honest. And esp on a day when some tiny, small thing has pushed me over the edge. As I said, only a couple of people know the events that have went on for months, but most recently this weekend that caused so much problems....not small things, def not small things. Huge, life and relationship changing things. I could write about them but I don't feel the need to share those or to defend my feelings.

It escalated today. It started with the library book, it moved on the no apology, to being ignored and disrespected again, it branched out to a 'friend' unfriended because of how I felt on my page! Then is moved on to my 'ruining' my afghan that was about 3 rows from being completed and I had to started to start from scratch. Then let's add in a notice in the mail that Meag's license is being suspended because of a failure to satisfy a traffic violation that occurred in Nov....which we had no idea of and she 'claims' to know nothing of. It is lies after lies after lies. By now, I've cried so many tears I'm surprised there are any left.

I think I have a good heart, I LOVE, truly love, people...all people. I want to be friends with people. That gets me hurt. I would never act how others act to me. So many times I don't understand people who say or do things that hurt. I don't understand how someone can throw a friendship away.

I've said this so many times before, but with the events of today it bears saying again....if you don't like me, if you don't like my open, honestness, if you don't like how I am or the things I say or do, or if you don't like that I'm bluntfully ME on MY site....please please please remove yourself from my site. I'd rather deal with that hurt and get past it than to deal with the hurt of words. From one who was verbally, emotionally, mentally abused my entire life, words kill....period.

For my real, true friends....THANK YOU for standing beside me, loving me, being there, showering me with kind words on a day when I really need it. I have some super huge problems that make things like this, days like this, almost impossible for me to deal with without reaching for things I shouldn't. YOU make the difference. I love you.

Friends? or not?

2011-03-24T09:14:00.000-05:00

Most of you probably know that once again last week I went through what was for me a really rough time, a time of crisis of sort. Sometimes it is really amazing just how much you learn from a time like that, especially about 'friends' or the various people in your life.

A crisis, to me, really brings out the soul of a person as it relates to you. Of course during a time like that you learn things that just amaze you and mean so much....and unfortunately, you learn things that hurt, sometimes so much you just don't know what to do or how to act.

The same thing happened to me last week. I was blown away by the love and support shown to me by various people in my life. Some of these people were friends that I would hope would be there for me and yet others stepped out to make me feel so loved because they cared enough to be there and do something, to care and to show it, to make sure I was ok.

Because things happened pretty quickly, there were people I didn't hear a word from. Some, I'm sure, didn't know what was going on; some didn't know what to say; some just didn't want to get involved; some didn't understand.

The ones that hurt were the ones that seem to be closest to you...and yet they aren't there for you. Perhaps they make a token text or message and then they forget it. They don't see what they can do to help you, they don't make sure you are really ok. They just leave you dangling, claiming to be one of the closest to you and yet.....nothing.

Again it was very difficult because we have a 6 year old....and no one to watch her. That's the BIG downfall about not living near family....or having family near that doesn't offer.

So what do you do with that hurt from those who just didn't seem to care that much, that weren't there, that never offered help or for that matter never really made sure you were ok...whether that night, the next day or in the day following. Because when you go through something it doesn't just end after a few hours....it takes some time to get through stuff and get back on track with your feet under you.

Well, you pick up the pieces, you thank God for all those wonderful people that WERE there and checked on you. You know who you are. I love you all and I do truly thank God for each one of you. For the hurt...I think you have to evaluate if that person really is who they claim to be, decide if it is worth the ongoing hurt for them to remain in your life, look at what might have been going on at the time, etc. You have to decide whether to deal with the hurt and move on when you can, or whether to let them go.

Yes it makes it even harder to go through the things you are when you are dealing with hurt, but it is a fact of life. The biggest decision is what to do to work through it and move on......

Lots to think about. I want to be well, I want to be surrounded by those that I know care, those that are there for me, those that will check on me, care for me if I need it, help out. That's my goal.

Poll....

2011-03-17T08:37:00.000-05:00

By the way, thanks to all of you that participated in my 'roll call' yesterday....it was nice to see that people really read what I write!

I was watching Dr Phil yesterday and I have some questions for you....

*Do you think it is worse to have a drug addiction as opposed to an alcohol problem?
*Do you think that someone is a horrible mom if they have an addiction some sort?
*Do you look down on someone struggling with something?>
*Do you think they should just be able to 'snap out' of it?
*Do you think it is worse to have an illegal drug addiction as opposed to a prescription drug addiction?
*Would you believe that I struggle with an addiction?
*Would you look at me differently if I did?
*Would how you feel about me depend on what kind of addition I have?
*Is one addiction less 'bad' that the others?

Thanks everyone!

Depression in teens

2011-03-17T07:00:00.000-05:00

Dr Phil gave the following things regarding teen depression, but really they all pertain to depression in all ages.

Statistic: 2 million teens affected

Things to look for:
sadness
social isolation
school problems

Warning signs:
changes in mood
changes in appetite or sleep\withdrawal
anxious
substance abuse

what to do:
offer support
be gentle but be persistent
don't pass judgment
acknowledge their pain and sadness
engage your teen

roll call

2011-03-16T10:45:00.002-05:00

Ok...curious minds want to know if ANYONE (other than my 'friend' anonymous, lol) is reading my blog :-).

If you read this (once in awhile or all the time) please 'like' this on facebook, or post me a note here!

Dear Anonymous:

2011-03-14T08:44:00.000-05:00

I often wonder if anyone reads my blogs...and honestly writing helps me whether anyone else reads them or comments on them, although sometimes it is nice to hear from others. MANY times what I write speaks to someone (thank YOU God) and they write me. And then, once again, at an extremely low point, I see a comment from 'anonymous' (see below *). Now I don't know if you are the same person that wrote last time or not. I'm guessing maybe so, but I don't know. But I would like to address a few things, between 'friends'.

In the midst of pondering over your words, I did find it somewhat 'amusing' that you would write to me about allowing strangers into my life on Myspace and Facebook....and you are writing under Anonymous, hiding behind blogger. How do I know you are not one of those strangers? I don't, because you were not grown up enough to speak to me, directly from yourself, and talk to me about your concerns. I'm not an unreasonable person at all. I welcome all my friends (true friends) to share their thoughts with me. I can agree or not. But never have I ever become nasty or went off on someone for speaking honestly and directly to me. But because you are hiding, you take that chance away from me.

One reason I suspect that perhaps yesterday's anonymous is the same as the previous one is that you really do not know me and once again it is evident in what you write.

*Gracie's birth family: yes, they have caused me untold pain and drama. BUT I have extremely limited contact with almost everyone from the birth mother side for a year and a half now. NO drama, nothing. We have a wonderful relationship with her birth father and his family. That is awesome. Short of a miracle, and I mean a true miracle, we will never have a relationship with the other side again.

*While technically I do still have my Myspace page...I have not been on it in months and months and months. Once in awhile my computer signs me in and I shut down the page before I even go to it. I'm too busy on Facebook and crocheting to be on myspace.

*And Mr or Ms Anonymous...how you know the people that I allow on my site? How do you know if they are strangers causing problems or people I know from somewhere? Are you THAT involved in my life that you keep track of the people I add and whether I 'really' know them or not? Thinking back, it seems to me that anything that happens doesn't come from new friends....but from those you THOUGHT were friends....only you find out differently and here comes the anonymous comments. If you feel that you are that much of a friend to me, that you care that much, then come to me, face to face, and let's talk about it. I can guarantee that you probably do not know 1/10th of me or anything going on or I'm dealing with.

*Yes, you did get the family growing pains right...at least partially. Part of it is pure, simple rejection; being unwanted; It hurts but I accept that. It doesn't mean that I'm less of a person; it means they don't give me a chance. The rest is growing pains. Doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt or upset me. That's normal. Doesn't mean things don't worry me.

*I also find it very interesting that you continue to use the word 'we'...so is this post coming from more than one of you? I would love to know that. Who is the we?

One thing that someone posting 'anonymously' on my blog does is to cause me to distrust everyone. It happened last time and it's happening now. I wonder who wrote this? who thinks this? Is it this person? or that person? It's hard. Each time you lose more and more trust in anyone, even those closest to you because you just don't know. Thank you for that, Anonymous. Does that make you happy?

I only ask that you be adult enough to speak directly to ME. Like I said, I'm not unreasonable at all. I may not agree with everything you say, but I'll listen. Need my direct email? It's: emmastormy08@gmail.com. But I'll follow part of your advice and try not to allow strangers to post....therefore the anonymous commenting has been blocked. I can't block someone if they make a fake account but if someone has to go to that length again, I'll start worrying about having a stalking issue.

Do you really care? Then show me.....and this is not how to do it.

One further thing...at least with me there is a WORLD of difference between being hurt by something and being mad or angry at something or someone. I don't feel mad or angry that often....I am hurt. I am very sensitive, I care...too much, but guess what? God made me this way! I can show compassion when others who are tougher may not be able to. God uses even my weaknesses to reach others and show them they are not alone. I am a work in progress and I JUST WANT TO BE ME!

So again, Anonymous...the ball is in your corner.....

*comment from anonymous:
People do care about you. They want to say: This starts with birth family trouble, mentally unstable strangers on sites that take their nutty s**t out against strangers online and family growing pains. Respect yourself by not letting the birth family back into your heart. Don't allow nuts you have never met to hurt you by not accepting requests from strangers on myspace and facebook. Pray about things that make you mad with your family and let it go to God. You ain't ever going to heal if you don't do that stuff. We are not being hurtful to tell you that. We care.

Paying for it

2011-03-14T08:21:00.000-05:00

I did it again, and I'm paying for it today. Having chest pains, pain in my arms and a headache; just feeling really awful. Nothing will help...just hoping that waiting it out will make it all better. Can I say I'll never do it again and mean it? I try, I honestly do. Sometimes the pain is just too great. I am weak in my flesh. But will one of these times be too much, once and for all?

Feels like I've reached the end

2011-03-12T19:37:00.000-06:00

*the end*
- feeling overwhelmed
- feeling hopeless
- not enough energy or strength to deal with ONE MORE THING
- wishing life would just stop and let me off
- giving up
- just not caring any more
- deep in a dark cloud of depression and not seeing any way out.

Sometimes in life you just get to this point...when it seems that life has piled more on you than you can possibly begin to handle or deal with. When there is SO much that you are on overload and don't know what or how to handle anything. You just simply give up. It doesn't feel that the closest one to you is really on your side. You begin to feel like others really don't care, despite their words; when you feel like no one wants to be your friend in person....when your best friends are almost all miles and miles and miles away and you don't have them here to put their arms around you and love on you when you need it most. I, however, am incredibly blessed with so many people who "live in my computer" and are always there...although some times I just need a body in front of me that cares. I do love you all....you are truly the greatest friends ever.

I'm in a black hole. Like I'm swirling around...can't breath, can't keep my head up, can't move... I simply can not move...I can not do anything...except hang my head and wish to get off of the ride. It's too hard.... not that I expect things to be easy but.....

God, what do I do?

Suicide (important info for everyone)

2011-03-10T08:19:00.000-06:00

Warning signs of suicide:
*threatening to hurt or kill oneself
*looking for ways to kill oneself
*talking or writing about death, dying or suicide
*feeling hopeless
*acting reckless

Statistics and Facts:
*It is a myth that those that talk about suicide don't do it.
*More than 1/2 of all college students have considered suicide.
*89 die every day in the US, 11th leading cause of death in america

If you are considering suicide:
*Suicidal crises are almost always temporary
*problems are seldom as great as they appear at first
*reasons for living can help sustain a person in pain
*do not keep suicidal thoughts to yourself

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-TALK

I heard this quote from friends of a guy who committed suicide and it really spoke great depths to me. They said: "He just wanted to be loved so bad." WOW! I think that deep inside, whether a person wants to admit it or not, that every one of us just wants to be loved that badly....so much that we feel it way down inside us and that we would never think of wanting to commit suicide. Love is absolutely a basic, deep need for every person.

What would you say?

2011-03-04T17:09:00.000-06:00

What would you say, or do, to a friend who struggled with any sort of addiction problem? How would you handle it if you knew someone having a problem? Or would you feel that it isn't your place to 'get involved'?

Inquiring minds want to know your input....

Proverbs a Day: Day31/Proverbs 31

2011-03-03T00:00:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

The words of King Lemuel,
  the strong advice his mother gave him:

"Oh, son of mine, what can you be thinking of!
  Child whom I bore! The son I dedicated to God!
Don't dissipate your virility on fortune-hunting woman,
  promiscuous women who shipwreck leaders.

"Leader can't afford to make fools of themselves,
  gulping wine and swilling beer,
Lest, hung over, they don't know right from wrong,
  and the people who depend on them are hurt.
Use wine and beer only as sedatives,
  to kill the pain and dull the ache
of the terminally ill,
  for whom life is a living death.

"Speak up for the people who have no voice,
  for the rights of all the down-and-outers.
Speak out for justice!
  Stand up for the poor and destitute!"

A good woman is hard to find,
  and worth far more than diamonds.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
  and never has reason to regret it.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
  all her life long.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
  and enjoys knitting and sewing.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
  and brings back exotic surprises.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
  for her family and organizing her day.
She looks over a field and buys it,
  then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work,
  rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
She senses the worth of her work,
  is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
  diligent in homemaking.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
  reaches out to help the poor.
She doesn't worry about your family when it snows;
  their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
  and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
Her husband is greatly respected
  when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
  brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
  and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
  and she always says it kindly.
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
  and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
  her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Man women have done wonderful things,
  but you've outclassed them all!"
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
  The woman to be admired and praised
  is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
  Festoon her life with praises!

Spread the word....

2011-03-02T11:28:00.001-06:00

....to end the word! 3/2/11

What word? The "R" word that is so offensive to so many people. It is offensive to people with disabilities and to those that love them. And yet many think nothing of using that word to be 'funny'. It's not funny to a child, or their parents. And just because they have a disability does not mean that they do not understand when someone uses that word that they are being ridiculed and put down.

Join with me and many others.....to spread the word to end the word! Take the pledge.

Take a moment to read my friend Renee's blog. It's so well written and inspiring. You can find it: HERE.

No one deserves to be called by that name, either in 'fun' or on purpose. Please pass this on and let's stop the use of such a horrible word.

Contradicting emotions

2011-03-02T11:21:00.000-06:00

Someone in Gracie's birth family had a baby yesterday....and they made the miraculous decision to bless a family through that child by choosing adoption. I have been on that end of such a gift and I can tell you that it is an incredible, wonderful thing. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. I know the emotions this wonderful family is going through and how happy they are. I'm very much PRO adoption, so I'm really happy that she chose this path.

Especially because it is coming at the same time that we celebrate our adoption of Gracie, it also makes me sad. I see how much she loves this family she chose and how almost excited that she is that she was able to do this for them. She posts that she congratulations them and how she loves them.

And then I think about recently being told I was hated and she was sorry she chose us.

I don't think that throughout the entire rest of my life I will ever go past wanting what is not there and probably never will be. I know it is hard for people to understand my heart in this situation. I'm so saddened that we don't have that relationship like this person has with the family she chose. She's happy with her decision, she loves them. That is incredible and not to be taken for granted...it is special.

And so today...I go between happy and sad....

Proverbs a Day: Day30/Proverbs 30

2011-03-01T12:40:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

The skeptic swore, "There is no God!
  No God! - I can do anything I want!
I'm more animal than human;
  so-called human intelligence escapes me.
I flunked 'wisdom.'
  I see no evidence of a holy God.
Has anyone ever seen Anyone
  climb into Heaven and take charge?
  grab the winds and control them?
  gather the rains in his bucket?
  stake out the ends of the earth?
Just tell me his name, tell me the names of his sons.
  come on now - tell me!"

The believer replied, "Every promise of God proves true;
  he protects everyone who runs to him for help.
So don't second-guess him;
  he might take you to task and show up your lies."

And then he prayed, "God, I'm asking for two things
  before I died; don't refuse me -
Banish lies from my lips
  and liars from my presence.
Give me enough food to live on,
  neither too much nor too little.
If I'm too full, I might get too independent,
  saying, 'God? Who needs him?'
If I'm poor, I might steal
  and dishonor the name of my God."

Don't blow the whistle on your fellow workers
  behind their backs;
They'll accuse you of being underhanded,
  and then you'll be the guilty one!

Don't curse your father
  or fail to bless your mother.

Don't imagine yourself to be quite presentable
  when you haven't had a bath in weeks.

Don't be stuck-up
  and think you're better than everyone else.

Don't be greedy,
  merciless and cruel as wolves,
Tearing into the poor and feasting on them,
  shredding the needy to pieces only to discard them.

A leech has twin daughters
  named "Gimme" and "Gimme more."

Three things are never satisfied,
  no there are four that never say, "That's enough, thank you!" -

   hell,
   a barren womb,
   a parched land,
   a forest fire.

An eye that disdains a father
  and despises a mother -
that eye will be plucked out by wild vultures
  and consumed by young eagles.

Three things amaze me,
  no, four things I'll never understand -

   how an eagle flies so high in the sky,
   how a snake glides over a rock,
   how a ship navigates the ocean,
   why adolescents act the way they do.

Here's how a prostitute operates:
  she has sex with her client,
Takes a bath,
  then asks, "Who's next?"

Three things are too much for even the earth to bear,
  yes, four things shake its foundations -

   when the janitor becomes the boss,
   when a fool gets rich,
   when a whore is vote "woman of the year"
   when a "girlfriend" replaces a faithful wife.

There are four small creatures,
  wisest of the wise they are -

   ants - frail as they are,
   get plenty of food in for the winter;
   marmots - vulnerable as they are,
   manage to arrange for rock-solid homes;
   locusts - leaderless insects,
   yet they strip the field like an army regiment;
   lizards - easy enough to catch,
   but they sneak past vigilant palace guards.

There are three solemn dignitaries,
  four that are impressive in their bearing -

   a lion, king of the beats, deferring to none;
   a rooster, proud and strutting;
   a billy goat;
   a head of state in stately procession.

If you're dumb enough to call attention to yourself
  by offending people and make rude gestures,
Don't be surprised if someone bloodies your nose.
  Churned milk turns into butter;
  riled emotions turn into fist fights.

Proverbs a Day: Day29/Proverbs 29

2011-03-01T12:26:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

For people who hate discipline
  and only get more stubborn,
There'll come a day when life tumbles in and they break,
  but by then it'll be too late to help them.

When good people run things, everyone is glad,
  but when the ruler is bad, everyone groans.

If you love wisdom, you'll delight your parents,
  but you'll destroy their trust if you run with whores.

A leader of good judgment gives stability;
  and exploiting leader leaves a trail of waste.

A flattering neighbor is up to no good;
  he's probably planning to take advantage of you.

Evil people fall into their own traps;
  good people run the other way; glad to escape.

The good-hearted understand what it's like to be poor;
  the hardhearted haven't the faintest idea.

A gang of cynics can upset a whole city;
  a group of sages can calm everyone down.

A sage trying to work things out with a fool
  gets only scorn and sarcasm for his trouble.

Murderers hate honest people;
  moral folks encourage them.

A fool lets it all hang out;
  a sage quietly mulls it over.

When a leader listens to malicious gossip,
  all the workers get infected with evil.

The poor and their abusers have at least something in common:
  they can both see - their sight God's gift!

Leadership gains authority and respect
  when the voiceless poor are treated fairly.

Wise discipline imparts wisdom;
  spoiled adolescents embarrass their parents.

When degenerates take charge, crime runs wild,
  but the righteous will eventually observe their collapse.

Discipline your children; you'll be glad you did -
  they'll turn out delightful to live with.

If people can't see what God is doings,
  they stumble all over themselves;
But when they attend to what he reveals,
  they are most blessed.

It takes more than talk to keep workers in line;
  mere words go in one ear and out the other.

Observe the people who always talk before they think -
  even simpletons are better off then they are.

If you let people treat you like a doormat,
  you'll be quite forgotten in the end.

Angry people stir up a lot of discord;
  the intemperate stir up trouble.

Pride lands you flat on your face;
  humility prepares you for honors.

Befriend an outlaw
  and become an enemy to yourself.
When the victims cry out,
  you'll be included in their curses
  if you're a coward to their cause in court.

The fear of human opinion disables;
  trusting in God will give us justice.

Good people can't stand the sight of deliberate evil;
  the wicked can't stand the sight of well-chosen goodness.

Proverbs a Day: Day28/Proverbs 28

2011-02-28T08:09:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

The wicked are edgy with guilt, ready to run off
  even when no one's after them;
Honest people are relaxed and confident,
  bold as lions.

When the country is in chaos,
  everybody has a plan to fix it -
But it takes a leader of real understanding
  to straighten things out.

The wicked who oppress the poor
  are like a hailstorm that beats down the harvest.

If you desert God's law, you're free to embrace depravity;
  if you love God's lawn, you fight for it tooth and nail.

Justice makes no sense to the evilminded;
  those who seek God know it inside and out.

It's better to poor and direct
  than rich and crooked.

Practice God's law - get a reputation for wisdom;
  hang out with a loose crowd - embarrass your family.

Get as rich as you want
  through cheating and extortion,
But eventually some friend of the poor
  is going to give it all back to them.

God has no use for the prayers
  of the people who won't listen to him.

Lead good people down a wrong path
  and you'll come to a bad end;
  do good and you'll be rewarded for it.

the rich think they know it all,
  but the poor can see right through them.

When good people are promoted, everything is great,
  but when the bad are in charge, watch out!

You't can't whitewash your sins and get by with it;
  you find mercy by admitting and leaving them.

A tenderhearted person lives a blessed life;
  a hardhearted person lives a hard life.

Lions roar and bears charge -
  and the wicked lord it over the poor.

Among leaders who lack insight, abuse abounds,
  but for one who hates corruption, the future is bright.

A murderer haunted by guilt
  is doomed - there's no helping him.

Walk straight - live well and be saved;
  a devious life is a doomed life.

Work your garden - you'll end up with plenty of food;
  play and party - you'll end up with an empty plate.

Committed and persistent work pays off;
  get-rich-quick schemes are ripoffs.

Playing favorites is always a bad thing;
  you can do great harm in seemingly harmless ways.

A miser in a hurry to get rich
  doesn't know that he'll end up broke.

In the end, serious reprimand is appreciated
  far more than bootlicking flattery.

Anyone who robs father and mother
  and says, "So, what's wrong with that?"
  is worse than a pirate.

A grasping person stirs up trouble,
  but trust in God brings a sense of well-being.

If you think you know it all, you're a fool for sure;
  real survivors learn wisdom from others.

Be generous to the poor - you'll never go hungry;
  shut your eyes to their needs, and run a gauntlet of curses.

When corruption takes over, good people go underground,
  but when the crooks are thrown out, it's safe to come out.

Family and friends

2011-02-27T13:01:00.000-06:00

I sit here today...such a heavy heart, one that is truly broken into many pieces.

Let me say, though, that despite all of the hurt, I know how blessed that I am....I know that I have many, wonderful friends that are my family. I acknowledge that, I know it deep in my soul. I love my friends...more than I can say.

Growing up I saw pictures of my brothers (the older two). I knew I had brothers. I found out about the third one when I was in college. It was always the dream of my heart to meet them, to get to know them and to have a relationship with them. How I wanted that.

I went out on a limb, all on my own....and found them and initiated communication. How awesome it was that I heard back from all three of them. I got letters, few phone calls. I have kept it all. I remember when I got a card from one of them that said 'Sister' on it...wow, that was incredible. I went to PA quite a few times and saw them, one came to my house to visit. It was truly a dream come true.

And then our Dad died and it seems that our relationships died as well. Dad left his insurance money just to me, but I split it equally with all 3 of my brothers. The last time I heard from one of them was to ask where his money was. Another wounded me so deeply a few months ago when immediately after I posted a status about a migraine, he posted that people should stop posting about headaches, that Dear Ann was looking for mail. The other brother I always, always felt like he cared. Until recently, when he has ignored me...more than once. I didn't even hear that he was engage or married from him.

They may be guys, and they might not stay in touch much with each other....but I can bet that they talk SOMETIME....and that's more than I get. For several years I called them on Christmas. In all the time since I found them, I've never gotten a Christmas card or a Christmas phone call.

For awhile it seemed (to me anyway) that I had a great relationship with their mom. Meag even called her Nana like my brother's kids. But that died as well.

Did I do anything to cause this? I don't think so? Do I blame myself? No. But do I feel completely rejected and like I'm worthless? Yes. Maybe that is contradicting but that's it.

Despite my blessings by my wonderful friends, I feel like 'something' must be wrong with me that my own brothers (the ones I wanted so badly in my life) don't want anything to do with me. Even a step further they don't like me.

I am a very different sort of person. I am completely and totally open, honest and blunt about me, my life, things I'm going through. I've said it over and over that God can't use me to help others unless I am transparent. This is ME, this is who I am. I'm not going to change....mainly because there's nothing wrong with me or how I am. My facebook, my blog...those are my outlets. They are my therapy. Dealing with anxiety, depression, health issues, issues with my oldest....I tend to hibernate myself. I am content to stay home, in my jammies, on the couch, crocheting. But even that doesn't keep me from getting hurt. Yes, I am very sensitive. I used to say too sensitive. But God mad me this way. He made me so that I feel, deeply. It's not very fun, but it's ME.

When your dream is destroyed, it hurts. God does it ever hurt. I know that I have to deal with the hurt, be thankful for all of you in my life, let go and move on. Unfortunately that does not happen overnight. It is a process and it takes time.

I know some people look down on me when my status is blunt and honest and I'm struggling. But it's real. It doesn't mean that I am not thankful or don't love my friends....it just means I'm struggling. It is something that happens often to me. It always seems that it's not one thing piling on, but it's ten or twenty.

Times when I'm already struggling and then something huge piles on, threatens to do me in! The past few day I let myself get hurt by several people because I felt like I was left out, like they don't invite me to things. That is very difficult when I already hibernate myself. Because of everything I go through and the fact that it is SO hard for me to get out of the house, it is going to take invitations from friends for me to do something. Confession...I'm a horrible housekeeper and I mean horrible. The outside of my house and the yard are horrible (I'm SO not outside person). The inside of my house is awful. I never feel like I can ever invite anyone over. Being completely open and honest...that is why I don't issue invitations and have people over. I took a chance and invited my friend Becky over...and she came back. I was SHOCKED. She saw what part of my house looked like (I wouldn't let her in the kitchen). I thought she would take one look around and that would be it. But she's been such a wonderful friend and she's come back several times. I don't have a vehicle right now and can't go out and meet her anywhere. That has been a huge blessing in my life. Because I'm almost completely paralyzed when it comes to issuing invitations or even doing things. So for someone to reach out to me just means the world. I know that a lot of people don't understand me, or don't understand what I go through or how I feel. I get that. I know that it cause a lot of people to back off. But again, it's ME.

Will I make it through this? Yes I will. Does it hurt? You bet it does. Will it take a bit for me to come to terms with it and move on? Yes. Do I need my friends? You bet I do.

I haven't covered all that I'm dealing with, struggling with or have going on. You sure wouldn't want to read all that....it might take all day. It is truly an incredible amount of things, of stress.

If you've read my last couple of blogs (and I don't know...maybe no one is reading anything) you will learn some of my struggles....and trust me it's hard. Add in a hurt like with my oldest (two days in a row) and my brothers and sometimes it almost feels like I just can't do it. It truly is with the love and support of my friends that I make it.

Believe me when I say that I love you all. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for loving me even when I have way too many down days. Thank you for understanding, for being so encouraging. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not such a horrible person, that perhaps I do have some worth.

Just.....thank you

Proverbs a Day: Day27/Proverbs 27

2011-02-27T12:23:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Don't brashly announce what you're going to do tomorrow;
  you don't know the first thing about tomorrow.

Don't call attention to yourself;
  let others do that for you.

Carrying a log across your shoulders
  while you're hefting a boulder with your arms
Is nothing compared to the burden
  of putting up with a fool.

We're blasted by anger and swamped by rage,
  but who can survive jealousy?

A spoken reprimand is better
  than approval that's never expressed.

The wounds from a lover are worth it;
  kisses from an enemy do you in.

When you've stuffed yourself, you refuse dessert;
  when you're starved, you could eat a horse.

People who won't settle down, wandering hither and yon,
  are like restless birds, flitting to and fro.

Just as lotions and fragrance give sensual delight,
  a sweet friendship refreshes the soul.

Don't leave your friends or your parents' friends
  and run home to your family when things get rough;
Better a nearby friend
  than a distant family.

Become wise, dear child, and make me happy;
  then nothing the world throws my way will upset me.

A prudent person sees trouble coming and ducks;
  a simpleton walks in blinding and is clobbered.

Hold tight to collateral on any loan to a stranger;
  be wary of accepting what a transient has pawned.

If you wake your friend in the early morning
  by shouting "Rise and shine!"
It will sound to him
  more like a curse than a blessing.

A nagging spouse is like
  the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet.
You can't turn it off,
  and you can't get away from it.

You use steel to sharpen steel,
  and one friend sharpens another.

If you care for your orchard, you'll enjoy its fruit;
  if you honor your boss, you'll be honored.

Just as water mirrors your face,
  so your face mirrors your heart.

Hell has a voracious appetite,
  and lust just never quits.

The purity of silver and gold is tested
  by putting them in the fire;
The purity of human hearts is tested
  by giving them a little fame.

Pound on a fool all you like -
  you can't pound out foolishness.

Know your sheep by name;
  carefully attend to your flocks;
(Don't take them for granted;
  possessions don't last forever, you know.)
And then, when the crops are in
  and the harvest is stored in the barns,
You can knit sweaters from lambs' wool,
  and sell your goats for a profit;
There will be plenty of milk and meat
  to last your family through the winter.

Proverbs a Day: Day26/Proverbs 26

2011-02-27T00:00:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

We no more give honors to fools
  than pray for snow in summer or rain during harvest.

You have as little to fear from an undeserved curse
  as from the dart of a wren or the swoop of a swallow.

A whip for the racehorse, a tiller for the sailboat -
and a stick for the back of fools!

Don't respond to the stupidity of a fool;
  you'll only look foolish yourself.

Answer a fool in simple terms
  so he doesn't get a swelled head.

You're only asking for trouble
  when you send a message by a fool.

A proverb quoted by fools
  is limp as a wet noodle.

Putting a fool in a place of honor
  is like setting a mud brick on a marble column.

To ask a moron to quote a proverb
  is like putting a scalpel in the hands of a drunk.

Hire a fool or a drunk
  and you shoot yourself in the foot.

As a dog eats its own vomit,
  so fools recycle silliness.

See that man who thinks he's so smart?
  You can expect far more from a fool than from him.

Loafers say, "It's dangerous out there!
  Tigers are prowling the street!"
  and then pull the covers back over their heads.

Just as a door turns on its hinges,
  so a lazybones turns back over in bed.

A shiftless sluggard puts his fork in the pie,
  but is too lazy to life it to his mouth.

Dreamers fantasize their self-importance;
  they think they are smarter
  than a whole college faculty.

You grab a mad dog by the ears
  when you butt into a quarrel that's none of your business.

People who shrug off deliberate deceptions,
  saying, "I didn't mean it, I was only joking."
Are worse than careless campers
  who walk away from smoldering campfire.

When you run out of wood, the fire goes out;
  when the gossip ends, the quarrel dies down.

A quarrelsome person in a dispute
  is like kerosene thrown on a fire.

Listening to gossip is like eating cheap candy;
  do you want junk like that in your belly?

Smooth talk from an evil heart
  is like glaze on cracked pottery.

Your enemy shakes hands and greets you like an old friend,
  all the while conniving against you.
When he speaks warmly to you, don't believe him for a minute;
  he's just waiting for the chance to rip you off.
No matter how cunningly he conceals his malice,
  eventually his evil will be exposed in public.

Malice backfire;
  spite boomerangs.

Liars hate their victims;
  flatterers sabotage trust.

more ramblings Feb 26 11

2011-02-26T08:03:00.000-06:00

Imagine that same person (we talked about yesterday) also struggling with anxiety. Anxiety so bad that they can only text...they can't even pick up the phone....not even to make a doctor's appointment. Can you imagine? They can't get themselves out of the house for almost anything and when they do, the anxiety is so high. It's easier to just stay home.It is also much safer.

This anxiety is debilitating, it is life changing and it affects every aspect of your life. It further lowers your self esteem. For many reasons you can't open your house to people, no matter how much you would like to. And then you see friends actually doing things together and you feel left out. Maybe that's a legitimate feeling, maybe not...but it's still how you feel. Not all of our feelings are legitimate, but if we feel them they are real to us. So then our self esteem just bottoms out even further. It makes us feel like we can't even do anything. It's very easy for us to then turn down any invitations that we might get because we are feeling so bad, so anxious and then we feel like no one wants to do anything with us. It's a vicious, horrible cycle.

Let's throw in some health issues....ones that just can't be fixed. Wow, ok now we are on overload. Completely overwhelmed. Perhaps with so much going on, we can't find the 'thing' in us to do anything....and so we do nothing...further overwhelming us because then the things in our home, our life pile up and become overwhelming.

Perhaps the "attention" is missing from our lives....so where does our refilling come from (aside from God)?

It can be hard to be a friend of someone who is going through so much in their lives. You have to really care. You have to be willing to take the initiative and invite them to do things, be willing to drag them from their house if necessary and be understanding of all things. Not many are willing to do so much. It's easier to have friends that don't have 'baggage'. But if you think it's hard being a friend of this kind of person, imagine what the person is going through and how they must feel. They begin to feel that it is just easier to hibernate, in their own home, with their loved ones...where there is less of a chance of hurt. Except that doesn't work....

Along with this lowered self-esteem comes a horrifying sensitivity....everything hurts you; you feel every emotion. You cry....a lot. You feel like no one really likes you, no one wants to be with you. When you feel like you are left out of something you really feel like no one likes you. It's not fun.

All of these things (and more) impact the things in my previous blog post, making it all way worse for the person. They feel like nothing will change and they are stuck...they will never get out of their situation. I know it doesn't make any sense to want others to invite you to do things and then when they do, you either can't go or you feel hurt from other incidents and can't go. But such is the life of a person dealing with such things.

Stay tuned....more coming....

Random Feb 25 11

2011-02-25T15:07:00.000-06:00

Can you try to imagine how someone feels that has a problem that they are struggling with...whether that problem is alcohol, illegal drugs, or prescription drugs? Think about what they might go through. The utter urge to HAVE to have or do. Not being able to stop it. And hating yourself every second for it. Followed by the guilt.

If you know someone like this or they are in your life, what sorts of things do you do or say to them? Does what you say/do uplift them, support them, encouragement them, give them help through this? Or does it tear them down, make things worse for them?

Some things to consider:
*don't ignore what is going on as if it is not happening
*don't say things that are jokes or make fun of the person
*don't do things that hurt their feelings about what is going on
*give them any and all help to get past this time in their life
*love them, support them unconditionally

Because if the wrong things happen....it could cause them to turn to the very behaviors that they want to stop, but are powerless to quit.

People who are going through such hard times in their lives that they can't get past these sorts of things feel very isolated. They feel like they have no one to talk to, no one to turn to. They feel that if people knew the sorts of things that they are going through (these destructive behaviors) that no one would like them or want to be their friends. They live with great guilt and low self-esteem. They need friends, they need people that they can talk to but yet they feel they no one to turn to. What a hard place to be in. It's horrible.

Proverbs a Day: Day25/Proverbs 25

2011-02-25T07:38:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

There are also these proverbs of Solomon,
  collected by scribes of Hezekiah, king of Judah.

God delights in concealing things;
  scientists delight in discovering things.

Like the horizons for breadth and the ocean for depth,
  the understanding of a good leader is broad and deep.

Remove impurities from the silver
  and the silversmith can craft a fine chalice;
Remove the wicked from leadership
  and authority will be credible and God-honoring.

Don't work yourself into the spotlight;
  don't push your way into the place of prominence.
It's better to be promoted to a place of honor
  than face humiliation by being demoted.

Don't jump to conclusions - there may be
  a perfectly good explanation for what you just saw.

In the heat of an argument,
  don't betray confidences;
Word is sure to get around
  and no one will trust you.

The right word at the right time
  is like a custom-made piece of jewelry,
And a wise friend's timely reprimand
  is like a good ring slipped on your fingers.

Reliable friends who do what they say
  are like cool drinks in sweltering heat - refreshing!

Like billowing clouds that bring no rain
  is the person who talks big but never produces.

When you're given a box of candy, don't gulp it down;
  eat too much chocolate and you'll make yourself sick;
And when you find a friend, don't outwear your welcome;
  show up at all hours and he'll soon get fed up.

Anyone who tells lies against the neighbors
  in court or on the street is a loose cannon.

Trusting a double-crosser when you're in trouble
  is like biting down on an abscessed tooth.

Singing light songs to the heavyhearted
  is like pouring salt in their wounds.

If you see your enemy hungry, go buy him lunch;
  if he's thirsty, bring him a drink.
Your generosity will surprise him with goodness,
  and God will look after you.

A north wind brings stormy weather,
  and a gossipy tongue stormy looks.

Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack
  than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

Like a cool drink of water when you're worn out and weary
  is a letter from a long-lost friend.

A good person who gives in to a bad person
  is a muddied spring, a polluted well.

It's not smart to stuff yourself with sweets,
  nor is glory piled on glory good for you.

A person without self-control
  is like a house with its doors and windows knocked out.

Proverbs a Day: Day24/Proverbs 24

2011-02-24T10:00:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

19
Don't envy bad people;
  don't even want to be around them.
All they think about is causing a disturbance;
  all they talk about is making trouble.

20
It takes wisdom to build a house,
  and understanding to set it on a firm foundation;
It takes knowledge to furnish its rooms
  with fine furniture and beautiful draperies.

21
It's better to be wise than strong;
  intelligence outranks muscle any day.
Strategic planning is the key to warfare;
  to win, you need a lot of good counsel.

22
Wise conversation is way over the head of fools;
  in a serious discussion they haven't a clue.

23
The person who's always cooking up some evil
  soon gets a reputation as prince of rogues.
Fools incubate sin;
  cynics desecrate beauty.

24
If you fall to pieces in a crisis,
  there wasn't much to you in the first place.

25
Rescue the perishing;
  don't hesitate to step in and help.
If you say," Hey that's none of my business,"
  will that get you off the hook?
Someone is watching you closely, you know -
  Someone not impressed with weak excuses.

26
Eat honey, dear child - it's good for you -
  and delicacies that melt in your mouth.
Likewise knowledge,
  and wisdom for your soul -
Get that and your future's secured,
  your hope is on solid rock.

27
Don't interfere with good people's lives;
  don't try to get the best of them.
No matter how many times you trip them up,
  God-loyal people don't stay down long;
Soon they're up on their feet,
  while the wicked end up flat on their faces.

28
Don't laugh when your enemy falls;
  don't crow over his collapse.
God might see, and become very provoked,
  and then take pity on his plight.

29
Don't bother your head with braggarts
  or wish you could succeed like the wicked.
Those people have no future at all;
  they're headed down a dead-end street.

30
Fear God, dear child - respect your leaders;
  don't be defiant or mutinous,
Without warning your life can turn upside-down,
  and who knows how or when it might happen?

It's wrong, very wrong,
  to go along with injustice.

Whoever whitewashes the wicked
  gets a black mark in the history books,
But whoever exposes the wicked
  will be thanked and rewarded.

An honest answer
  is like a warm hug.

First plant your fields;
  then build your barn.

Don't talk about your neighbors behind their backs -
  no slander or gossip, please.
Don't say to anyone, "I'll get back at you for what you did to me.
  I'll make you pay for what you did!"

One day I walked by the field of an old lazybones,
  and then passed the vineyard of a lout;
They were overgrown with weeds,
  thick with thistles, all the fences broken down.
I took a long look and pondered what I saw;
  the fields preached me a sermon and I listened:
"A nap here, a nap there, a day off here, a day off there,
  sit back, take it easy - do you know what comes next?
Just this: You can look forward to a dirt-poor life,
  with poverty as your permanent houseguest!"

I'm wondering....

2011-02-23T09:36:00.001-06:00

too honest?
not interested?
too much info?
didn't read?
don't care?
too hard to read?

Hmm....

Proverbs a Day: Day23/Proverbs 23

2011-02-23T09:23:00.001-06:00

The Message Translation

6
When you go out to dinner with an influential person,
  mind your manners;
Don't gobble your food,
  don't talk with your mouth full.
And don't stuff yourself;
  bridle your appetite.

7
Don't wear yourself out trying to get rich;
  restrain yourself!
Riches disappear in the blink of an eye;
  wealthy sprouts wings
  and flies off into the wild blue yonder.

8
Don't accept a meal from a tightwad;
  don't expect anything special.
He'll be as stingy with you as he is with himself;
  he'll say, "Eat! Drink!" but won't mean a word of it.
His miserly serving will turn your stomach
  when you realize the meal's a sham.

9
Don't bother talking sense to fools;
  they'll only poke fun at your words.

10
Don't stealthily move back the boundary lines
  or cheat orphans out of their property,
For they have a powerful Advocate
  who will go to bat for them.

11
Give yourselves to disciplined instruction;
  open your ears to tested knowledge.

12
Don't be afraid to correct your young ones;
  a spanking won't kill them.
A good spanking, in fact, might save them
  from something worse than death.

13
Dear child, if you become wise,
  I'll be one happy parent.
My heart will dance and sing
  to the tuneful truth you'll speak.

14
Don't for a minute envy careless rebels;
  soak yourself in the Fear-of-God -
That's where your future lies,
  Then you won't be left with an armload of nothing.

15
Oh listen, dear child - become wise;
  point your life in the right direction.
Don't drink too much wine and get drunk;
  don't eat too much food and get fat.
Drunks and gluttons will end up on skid row,
  in a stupor and dressed in rags.

16
Listen with respect to the father who raised you,
  and when your mother grows old, don't neglect her.
Buy truth - don't sell it for love or money;
  buy wisdom, buy education, buy insight.
Parents rejoice when their children turn out well;
  wise children become proud parents.
So make your father happy!
  Make your mother proud!

17
Dear child, I want your full attention;
  please do what I show you.

A whore is a bottomless pit;
  a loose woman can get you in deep trouble fast.
She'll take you for all you've got;
  she's worse than a pack of thieves.

18
Who are the people who are always crying the blues?
  Who do you know who reeks of self-pity?
Who keeps getting beat up for no reason at all?
  Whose eyes are bleary and bloodshot?
It's those who spend the night with a bottle,
  for whom drinking is serious business.
Don't judge wine by its label,
  or its bouquet, or its full-bodied flavor.
Judge it rather by the hangover it leaves you within -
  the splitting headache, the queasy stomach.
Do you really prefer seeing double,
  with your speech all slurred,
Reeling and seasick,
  drunk as sailor?
"They hit me," you'll say, "but it didn't hurt;
  they beat me on me, but I didn't feel a thing.
When I'm sober enough to manage it,
  bring me another drink."

Proverbs a Day: Day22/Proverbs 22

2011-02-23T09:10:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

A sterling reputation is better than striking it rich;
  a gracious spirit is better than money in the bank.

The rich and the poor shake hands as equals -
  God made them both!

A prudent person sees trouble coming and ducks;
  a simpleton walks in blindly and is clobbered.

the payoff for meekness and Fear-of-God
  is plenty and honor and a satisfying life.

The perverse travel a dangerous road, potholed and mud-slick;
  if you know what's good for you, stay clear of it.

Point your kids in the right direction -
  when they're old they won't be lost.

The poor are always ruled over by the rich,
  so don't borrow and put yourself under their power.

Whoever sows sin reaps weeds,
  and bullying anger sputters into nothing.

Generous handds are blessed hands
  because they give bread to the poor.

Kick out the troublemakers and things will quiet down;
  you need a break from bickering and griping!

God loves the pure-hearted and well-spoken;
  good leaders also delight in their friendship.

God guards knowledge with a passion;
  but he'll have nothing to do with deception.

The loafer says, "There's a lion on the loose!
  If I go out I'll be eaten alive!"

The mouth of a whore is a bottomless pit;
  you'll fall in that pit if you're on the outs with God.

Young people are prone to foolishness and fads;
  the cure comes through tough-minded discipline.

Exploit the poor or glad-hand the rich - whichever,
  you'll end up the poorer for it.

Listen carefully to my wisdom;
  take to heart what I can teach you.
You'll treasure its sweetness deep within;
  you'll give it bold expression in your speech.
I'm giving you thirty sterling principles -
  tested guidelines to live by.
Believe me - these are truths that work,
  and will keep you accountable
  to those who sent you.

1
Don't walk on the poor just because they're poor,
  and don't use your position to crush the weak,
Because God will come to their defense;
  the life you took, he'll take from you and give back to them.

2
Don't hang out with angry people;
  don't keep company with hotheads.
Bad temper is contagious -
  don't get infected.

3
Don't gamble on the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,
  hocking your house against a lucky chance.
The time will come when you have to pay up;
  you'll be left with nothing but the shirt on your back.

4
Don't stealthily move back the boundary lines
  staked out long ago by your ancestors.

5
Observe people who are good at their work -
  skilled workers are always in demand and admired;
  they don't take a back seat to anyone.

Proverbs a Day: Day21/Proverbs 21

2011-02-21T08:21:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Good leadership is a channel of water controlled by God;
  he directs it to whatever ends he chooses.

We justify our actions by appearances;
  God examines our motives.

Clean living before God and justice with our neighbors
  mean far more to God than religious performance.

Arrogance and pride - distinguishing marks in the wicked -
  are just plain sin.

Careful planning puts you ahead in the long run;
  hurry and scurry puts you further behind.

Make it to the top by lying and cheating;
  get paid with smoke and a promotion - to death!

The wicked get buried alive by their loot
  because they refuse to use it to help others.

Mixed motives twist life into tangles;
  pure motives take you straight down the road.

Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack
  than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

Wicked souls love to make trouble;
  they feel nothing for friends and neighbors.

Simpletons only learn the the hard way;
  but the wise learn by listening.

A God-loyal person will see right through the wicked
  and undo the evil they've planned.

If you stop your ears to the cries of the poor,
  your cries will go unheard, unanswered.

A quietly give gift soothes an irritated person;
  a heartfelt present cools a hot temper.

Good people celebrate when justice triumphs
  but for the workers of evil it's a bad day.

Whoever wanders off the straight and narrow
  ends up in a congregation of ghosts.

You're addicted to thrills? What an empty life!
  The pursuit of pleasure is never satisfied.

What a bad person plots against the good, boomerangs;
  the plotter gets it in the end.

Better to live in a tent in the wild
  than with a cross and petulant spouse.

Valuable are safe in a wise person's home;
  fools put it all out for yard sales.

Whoever goes hunting for what is right and kinds
  finds life itself - glorious life!

One sage entered a whole city of armed soldiers -
  their trusted defenses fell to pieces!

Watch your words and hold your tongue;
  you'll save yourself a lot of grief.

You know their names - Brash, Impudent, Blasphemer -
  intemperate hotheads, every one.

Lazy people finally die of hunger
  because they won't get up and go to work.

Sinners are always wanting what they don't have;
  the God-loyal are always giving what they do have.

Religious performance by the wicked stinks;
  it's even worse when they use it to get ahead.

A lying witness is unconvincing;
  a person who speaks truth is respected.

Unscrupulous people fake it a lot;
  honest people are sure of their steps.

Nothing clever, nothing conceived, nothing contrived,
  can get the better of God.

Do your best, prepare for the worst -
  then trust God to bring victory.

Did you ever think?

2011-02-20T14:11:00.000-06:00

How many people, as they start their lives, actually think of believe that one day they will either abuse drugs (illegal or prescription) or that they will even take them; that they will be come addicted and struggle with it in there lives. Don't you think that most people might say "Oh, that would NEVER happen to me".

It really doesn't matter who you are....these things (drugs, alcohol, addictions of any sort) can affect you and your life, your family, everything.

Now let's take someone's life....it starts out good....great family (mom, dad), good career, great kids, a house, etc.

But now let's add in struggles with depression and anxiety....things that many people do not understand. They simply think that it is just 'being sad' and you need to 'snap out of it and think good thoughts'. SO not true or there would be far less people struggling with these things.

Now add in health problems, financial worries, problems with kids....I could go on and on.

No one ever knows what another person is really going through. Another thing to consider is that every one of us deals with things differently. It doesn't mean that one is better than another simply because one handles things better than someone else. God made each one of us...and he made each of us differently with different abilities and capabilities to handle things. We should never judge each other.

It really doesn't matter if someone seems to just be 'down' all the time. Rather than get on them for being that way...we need to realize that that is when they need the support from their friends.

Back to the drugs....
Having a problem with, being addicted to, struggling with drugs does not mean that someone is out doing illegal drugs. It does not mean they have a problem with heroin, or ecstasy or cocaine (I have NO idea what the drugs of today are). But it can also mean prescription drugs. I will tell you that this is something I never considered in my entire life, didn't even think of someone trying it, except maybe things like Loritab that you always hear people buying etc.

But those times of never considering it would ever be a problem for someone, came to a screeching halt awhile back for me personally. It happens....never ever think that you are above falling to problems of this sort. It happened to me. IT IS HARD.

Stay tuned.....I feel God calling me to share my testimony with you. It is honest and blunt and hard to hear at times...but it is the one that God gave me. It will be coming this week. Whew!

Drunk Drivers

2011-02-20T13:50:00.000-06:00

We were driving home from church today and all along the road were people picking up trash with bright yellow vests on so you didn't stare and run over one of them.

I noticed as we were going past them that written on their vest were the words "Drunk Driver". At first I thought, wow that's great. Make them show others what they have done.

But honestly I began to wonder if it that really even matters to them. Do they care that that is written on there for everyone passing to see? Or is it just something to get through so they can go back to their lives.

It makes me sad because drunk driving is a horrendous thing. I doubt serious if any one of them actually think that that will happen to them. I remember when I was drinking, thinking that 'I"m ok', 'I can drive'....when is actuality I really should never have been driving!

If you drink at any time (and I am certainly NEVER one to judge one's drinking) but if you do....please let a friend drive you....call someone, anyone...but don't drink and drive.....ok?

Proverbs a Day: Day20/Proverbs 20

2011-02-20T13:38:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Wine makes you mean, beer makes you quarrelsome -
  a staggering drunk is not much fun.

Quick-tempered leaders are like mad dogs -
  cross them and they bite your head off.

It's a mark of good character to avert quarrels,
  but fools love to pick fights.

A farmer too lazy to plant in the spring
  has nothing to harvest in the fall.

Knowing what is right is like deep water in the heart;
  a wise person draws from the well within.

Lots of people claim to be loyal and loving,
  but where on earth can you find one?

God-loyal people, living honest lives,
  make it much easier for their children.

Leaders who know their business and care
  keep a sharp eye out for the shoddy and cheap,
For who among us can be trusted
  to be always diligent and honest?

Switching price tags and padding the expense account
  are two things God hates.

Young people eventually reveal by their actions
  if their motives are on the up and up.

Ears that hear and eyes that see -
  we get our basic equipment from God!

Don't be too fond of sleep; you'll end up in the poorhouse.
  Wake up and get out; then there'll be food on the table.

The shopper says, "That's junk - I'll take it off your hands,"
  then goes off boasting of the bargain.

Drinking from the beautiful chalice of knowledge
  is better than adorning oneself with gold and rare gems

Hold tight to collateral on any loan to a stranger;
  beware of accepting what a transient has pawned.

Stolen bread tastes sweet,
  but soon your mouth is full of gravel.

Form your purpose by asking for counsel,
  then carry it out by using all the help you can get.

Gossips can't keep secrets,
  so never confide in blabbermouths.

Anyone who curses father and mother
  extinguishes light and exists benighted.

A bonanza at the beginning
  is no guarantee of blessing at the end.

Don't ever say, "I'll get you for that!"
  Wait for God; he'll settle the score.

God hates cheating in the marketplace;
  rigged scales are an outrage.

The very wise steps we take come from God;
  otherwise how would we know where we're going?

An impulsive vow is a trap;
  later you'll wish you could get out of it.

After careful scrutiny, a wise leader
  makes a clean sweet of rebels and dolts.

God is in charge of human life,
  watching and examining us inside and out.

Love and truth form a good leader;
  sound leadership is founded on loving integrity.

Youth may be admired for vigor,
  but gray hair gives prestige to old age.

A good thrashing purges evil;
  punishment goes deep within us.

Proverbs a Day: Day19/Proverbs 19

2011-02-19T10:57:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Better to be poor and honest
  than a rich person no one can trust.

Ignorant zeal is worthless;
  haste makes waste.

People ruin their lives by their own stupidity,
  so why does God always get blamed?

Wealth attracts friends as honey draws flies,
  but poor people are avoided like a plague.

Perjury won't go unpunished.
  Would you let a liar go free?

Lots of people flock around a generous person;
  everyone's a friend to the philanthropist.

When you're down on your luck, even your family avoids you -
  yes, even your best friends wish you'd get lost.
If they see you coming, they look the other way -
  out of sight, out of mind.

Grow a wise heart - you'll do yourself a favor;
  keep a clear head - you'll find a good life.

The person who tells lies get caught;
  the person who spreads rumors is ruined.

Blockheads shouldn't live on easy street
  any more than workers should give orders to their boss.

Smart people know how to hold their tongue;
  their grandeur is to forgive and forget.

Mean-tempered leaders are like mad dogs;
  the good-natured are like fresh morning dew.

A parent is worn to a frazzle by a stupid child;
  a nagging spouse is a leaky faucet.

House and land are handed down from parents,
  but a congenial spouse comes straight from God.

Life collapses on loafers;
  lazybones go hungry.

Keep the rules and keep your life;
  careless living kills.

Mercy to the needy is a loan to God,
  and God pays back those loans in full.

Discipline your children while you still have the chance;
  indulging them destroys them.

Let angry people endure the backlash of their own anger;
  if you try to make it better, you'll only make it worse.

Take good counsel and accept correction -
  that's the way to live wisely and well.

We humans keep brainstorming options and plans,
  but God's purpose prevails.

It's only human to want to make a buck,
  but it's better to be poor than a liar.

Fear-of-God is life itself,
  a full life, and serene - no nasty surprises.

Some people dig a fork into the pie
  but are too lazy to raise it to their mouth.

Punish the insolent - make an example of them.
  Who knows? Somebody might learn a good lesson.

Kids who lash out against their parents
  are an embarrassment and disgrace.

If you quit listening, dear child, and strike off on your own,
  you'll soon be out of your depth.

An unprincipled witness desecrates justice;
  the mouths of the wicked spew malice.

The irreverent have to learn reverence the hard way;
  only a slap in the face brings fools to attention.

Proverbs a Day: Day18/Proverbs 18

2011-02-18T12:37:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Loners who care only for themselves
  spit on the common good.

Fools care nothing for thoughtful discourse;
  all they do is run off at the mouth.

When wickedness arrives, shame's not far behind;
  contempt for life is contemptible.

Many words rush along like rivers in flood,
  but deep wisdom flows up from artesian springs.

It's not right to go easy on the guilty,
  or come down hard on the innocent.

The words of a fool starts fights;
  do him a favor and gag him.

Fools are undone by their big mouths;
  their souls are crushed by their words.

Listening to gossip is like eating cheap candy;
  do you really want junk like that in your belly?

Slack habits and sloppy work
  are as bad as vandalism.

God's name is a place of protection -
  good people can run there and be safe.

The rich think their wealth protects them;
  they imagine themselves safe behind it.

Pride first, then the crash,
  but humility is precursor to honor.

Answering before listening
  is both stupid and rude.

A healthy spirit conquers adversity,
  but what can you do when the spirit is crushed?

Wise men and women are always learning,
  always listening for fresh insights.

A gift gets attention;
  it buys the attention of eminent people.

The first speech in a court case is always convincing -
  until the cross-examination starts!

You may have to draw straw
  when faced with a tough decision.

Do a favor and win a friend forever;
  nothing can untie that bond.

Words satisfy the mind as much as fruit does the stomach;
  good talk is as gratifying as a good harvest.

Words kill, words give life;
  they're either poison or fruit - you choose.

Find a good spouse, you find a good life -
  and even more: the favor of God!

The poor speak in soft supplications;
  the rich bark out answers.

Friends come and friends go,
  but a true friend sticks by you like family.

Proverbs a Day: Day17/Proverbs 17

2011-02-17T13:12:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

A meal of bread and water in contented peace
  is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

A wise servant takes charge of an unruly child
  and is honored as one of the family.

As silver in a crucible and gold in a pan,
  so our lives are assayed by God.

Evil people relish malicious conversation;
  the ears of liars itch for dirty gossip.

Whoever mocks poor people, insults their Creator;
  gloating over misfortune is a punishable crime.

Old people are distinguished by grandchildren;
  children take pride in their parents.

We don't expect eloquence from fools,
  nor do we expect lies from our leaders.

Receiving a gift is like getting a rare gemstone;
  any way you look at it, you see beauty refracted.

Overlook an offense and bond a friendship;
  fasten on to a slight and - goodbye, friend!

A quiet rebuke to a person of good sense
  does more than a whack on the head of a fool.

Criminals out looking for nothing but trouble
  won't have to wait long - they'll meet it coming and going!

Better to meet a grizzly robbed of her cubs
  than a fool hellbent on folly.

Those who return evil for good
  will meet their own evil returning.

The start of a quarrel is like a leak in a dam,
  so stop it before it bursts.

Whitewashing bad people and throwing mud on good peopl
  are equally abhorrent to God.

What this? Fools out shopping for wisdom!
  They wouldn't recognize it if they saw it!

Friends love through all kinds of weather,
  and families stick together in all kinds of trouble.

It's stupid to try to get something for nothing,
  or run up huge bills you can never pay.

The person who courts sin, marries trouble;
  build a wall, invite a burglar.

A bad motive can't achieve a good end;
  double-talk brings you double trouble.

Having a fool for a child is misery;
  it's not fun being the parent of a dolt.

A cheerful disposition is good for your health;
  gloom and doom leave you bone-tired.

The wicked take bribes under the table;
  they show nothing but contempt for justice.

The perceptive find wisdom in their own front yard;
  fools look for it everywhere but right here.

A surly, stupid child is sheer pain to a father,
  a bitter pill for a mother to swallow.

It's wrong to penalize good behavior,
  or make good citizens pay for the crimes of others.

The one who knows much says little;
  an understanding person remains calm.

Even dunces who keep quiet are thought to be wise;
  as long as they keep their mouths shut, they're smart.

Proverbs a Day: Day16/Proverbs 16

2011-02-16T13:36:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Mortals make elaborate plans,
  but God has the last word.

Humans are satisfied with whatever looks good;
  God proves for what is good.

Put God in charge of your work,
  then what you've planned will take place.

God made everything with a place and purpose;
  even the wicked are included - but for judgment.

God cant' stomach arrogance or pretense;
  believe me, he'll put those upstarts in their place.

Guilt is banished through love and truth;
  Fear-of-God deflects evil.

When God approves of your life,
  even your enemies will end up shaking your hand.

Far better to be right and poor
  than to be wrong and rich.

We plan the way we want to live,
  but only God makes us able to live it.

A good leader motivates,
  doesn't mislead, doesn't exploit.

God cares about honesty in the workplace;
  your business is his business.

Good leaders abhor wrongdoing of all kinds;
  sound leadership has a moral foundation.

Good leaders cultivate honest speech;
  they love advisors who tell them the truth.

An intemperate leader wreaks havoc in lives;
  you're smart to stay clear of someone like that.

Good-tempered leaders invigorate lives;
  they're like spring rain and sunshine.

Get wisdom - it's wroth more than money;
  choose insight over income every time.

The road of right living bypasses evil;
  watch your step and save your life.

First pride, then the crash -
  the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.

It's better to live humbly among the poor
  than to live it up among the rich and famous.

It pays to take life seriously;
  things work out when you trust in God.

A wise person gets known for insight;
  gracious words add to one's reputation.

True intelligence is a spring of fresh water,
  while fools sweat it out the hard way.

They make a lot of sense, these wise folks;
  whenever they speak, their reputation increases.

Gracious speech is like clover honey -
  good taste to the soul, quick energy for the body.

There's a way that looks harmless enough;
  look again - it leads straight to hell.

Appetite is an incentive to work;
  hunger makes you work all the harder.

Mean people spread mean gossip;
  their words smart and burn.

Troublemakers start fights;
  gossips break up friendships.

Calloused climbers betray their very own friends;
  they'd stab their own grandmothers in the back.

A shifty eye betrays an evil intention;
  a clenched jaw signals trouble ahead.

Gray hair is a mark of distinction.
  the award for a God-loyal life.

Moderation is better than muscle,
  self-control better than political power.

Make your motions and cast your votes,
  but God has the final say.

Proverbs a Day: Day15/Proverbs 15

2011-02-15T11:50:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

A gentle response defuses anger,
  but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.

Knowledge flows like spring water from the wise;
  fools are leaky faucets, dripping nonsense.

God doesn't miss a thing -
  he's alert to good and evil alike.

Kind words heal and help;
  cutting words wound and maim.

Moral dropouts wont' listen to their elders;
  welcoming correction is a mark of good sense.

The lives of God-loyal people flourish;
  a misspent life is soon bankrupt.

Perceptive words spread knowledge;
  fools are hollow - there's nothing to them.

God can't stand pious poses,
  but he delights in genuine prayers.

A life frittered away disgusts God;
  he loves those who run straight for the finish line.

It's a school of hard knocks for those who leave God's path,
  a dead-end street for those who hate God's rules.

Even hell holds no secrets from God -
  do you think he can't read human hearts?

Know-it-alls don't like being told what to do;
  they avoid the company of wise men and women.

A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face;
  a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day.

An intelligent person is always eager to take in more truth;
  fools feed on fast-food fads and fancies.

A miserable heart means a miserable life;
  a cheerful heart fills the day with song.

A simple life in the Fear-of-God
  is better than a rich life with a ton of headaches.

Better a bread crust shared in love
  than a slab of prime rib served in hate.

Hot tempers start fights;
  a calm, cool spirit keeps the peace.

The path of lazy people is overgrown with briers;
  the diligent walk down a smooth road.

Intelligent children make their parents proud;
  lazy students embarrass their parents.

The empty-headed treat life as a plaything;
  the perceptive grasp its meaning and make a go of it.

Refuse good advice and watch her plans fail;
  take good counsel and watch them succeed.

Congenial conversation - what a pleasure!
  The right word at the right time - beautiful!

Life ascends to the heights for the thoughtful -
  it's a clean about-face from descent into hell.

God smashes the pretensions of the arrogant;
  he stands with those who have no standing.

God can't stand evil scheming,
  but he puts words of grace and beauty on display.

A greedy and grasping person destroys community;
  those who refuse to exploit live and let live.

Prayerful answers come from God-loyal people;
  the wicked are sewers of abuse.

God keeps his distance from the wicked;
  he closely attends to the prayers of God-loyal people.

A twinkle in the eye means joy in the heart,
  and good news makes you feel fit as a fiddle.

Listen to good advice if you want to live well,
  an honored guest among wise men and women.

An undisciplined, sell-willed life is puny;
  an obedient, God-willed life is spacious.

Fear-of-God is a school in skilled living -
  first you learn humility, then you experience glory.

Proverbs a Day: Day14/Proverbs 14

2011-02-14T17:54:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Lady Wisdom builds a lovely home;
  Sir Fool comes along and tears it down brick by brick.

An honest life shows respect for God;
  a degenerate life is a slap in his face.

Frivolous talk provokes a derisive smile;
  wise speech evokes nothing but respect.

No cattle, no crops;
  a good harvest requires a strong ox for the plow.

A true witness never lies;
  a false witness makes a business of it.

Cynics look high and low for wisdom - and never find it;
  the open-minded find it right on their doorstep!

Escape quickly from the company of fools;
  they're a waste of your time, a waste of your words.

The wisdom of the wise keeps life on track;
  the foolishness of fools lands them in the ditch.

The stupid ridicule right and wrong,
  but a moral life is a favored life.

The person who shuns the bitter moments of friends
  will be an outsider at their celebrations.

Lives of careless wrongdoing are tumbledown shacks;
  holy living builds soaring cathedrals.

There's a wife of life that looks harmless enough;
  look again - it leads straight to hell.
Sure, those people appear to be having a good time,
  but all that laughter will end in heartbreak.

A mean person gets paid back in meanness,
  a gracious person in grace.

The gullible believe anything they're told;
  the prudent sift and weigh every word.

The wise watch their steps and avoid evil;
  fools are headstrong and reckless.

The hotheaded do things they'll later regret;
  the coldhearted get the cold shoulder.

Foolish dreamers live in a world of illusion;
  wise realists plant their feet on the ground.

Eventually, evil will pay tribute to good;
  the wicked will respect God-loyal people.

An unlucky loser is shunned by all,
  but everyone loves a winner.

It's criminal to ignore a neighbor in need,
  but compassion for the poor - what a blessing!

Isn't it obvious that conspirators lose out,
  while the thoughtful win love and trust?

Hard work always pays off;
  mere talk puts no bread on the table.

The wise accumulate wisdom;
  fools get stupider by the day.

Souls are saved by truthful witness
  and betrayed by the spread of lies.

The Fear-of-God builds up confidence,
  and makes a world safe for your children.

The Fear-of-God is a spring of living water
  so you won't go off drinking from poisoned wells.

The mark of a good leader is loyal followers;
  leadership is nothing without a following.

Slowness to anger makes for deep understanding;
  a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity.

A sound mind makes for a robust body,
  but runaway emotions corrode the bones.

You insult your Marker when you exploit the powerless;
  when you're kind to the poor, you honor God.

The evil of bad people leaves them out in the cold;
  the integrity of good people creates a safe place for living.

Lady Wisdom is at home in an understanding heart -
  fools never even get to say hello.

God-devotion makes a country strong;
  God-avoidance leaves people weak.

Diligent work gets a warm commendation;
  shiftless work earns an angry rebuke.

Proverbs a Day: Day13/Proverbs 13

2011-02-14T17:36:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Intelligent children listen to their parents;
  foolish children do their own thing.

The good acquire a taste for helpful conversation;
  bullies push and shove their way through life.

Careful words make for a careful life;
  careless talk may ruin everything.

Indolence wants it all and gets nothing;
  the energetic have something to show for their lives.

A good person hates false talk;
  a bad person wallows in gibberish.

A God-loyal life keeps you on track;
  sin dumps the wicked in the ditch.

A pretentious, showy life is an empty life;
  a plain and simple life is a full life.

The rich can be sued for everything they have,
  but the poor are free of such threats.

The lives of good people are brightly lit streets;
  the lives of the wicked are dark alleys.

Arrogant know-it-alls stir up discord,
  but wise men and women listen to each other's counsel.

Easy come, easy go,
  but steady diligence pays off.

Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick,
  but a sudden good break can turn life around.

Ignore the Word and suffer;
  honor God's commands and grown rich.

The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life,
  so, no more drinking from death-tainted wells!

Sound thinking makes for gracious living,
  but liars walk a rough road.

A commonsense person lives good sense;
  fools litter the country will silliness.

Irresponsible talk makes a real mess of things,
  but a reliable reporter is a healing presence.

Refuse discipline and end up homeless;
  embrace correction and live an honored life.

Souls who follow their hearts thrive;
  fools bent on evil despise matters of soul.

Become wise by walking with the wise;
  hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces.

Disaster entraps sinners,
  but God-loyal people get a good life.

Banks foreclose on the farms of the poor,
  or else the poor lose their shirts to crooked lawyers.

A refusal to correct is a refusal to love;
  love your children by discipling them.

An appetite for good brings much satisfaction,
  but the belly of the wicked always wants more.

Proverbs a Day: Day12/Proverbs 12

2011-02-12T21:34:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

If you love learning, you love the discipline that goes with it -
  how shortsighted to refuse correction!

A good person basks in the delight of God,
  and he wants nothing to do with devious schemers.

You can't find firm footing in a swamp,
  but life rooted in God stands firm.

A hearty wife invigorates her husband,
  but a frigid woman is cancer in the bones.

The thinking of principled people makes for justice;
  the plots of degenerates corrupt.

The words of the wicked kill;
  the speech of the upright saves.

Wicked people fall to pieces - there's nothing to them;
  the homes of good people hold together.

A person who talks sense is honored;
  airheads are held in contempt.

Better to be ordinary and work for a living
  than act important and starve in the process.

Good people are good to their animals;
  the "good-hearted" bad people kick and abuse them.

The one who stays on the job has food on the table;
  the witless chase whims and fancies.

What the wicked construct finally falls into ruin,
  while the roots of the righteous give life, and more life.

The gossip of bad people gets them in trouble;
  the conversation of good people keeps them out of it.

Well-spoken words bring satisfaction;
  well-done work has its own reward.

Fools are headstrong and do what they life;
  wise people take advice.

Fools have short fuses and explode all too quickly;
  the prudent quietly shrug off insults.

Truthful witness by a good person clears the air,
  but liars lay down a smoke screen of deceit.

Rash language cuts and maims,
  but there is healing in the words of the wise.

Truth lasts;
  lies are here today, gone tomorrow.

Evil scheming distorts the schemer;
  peace-planning brings joy to the planner.

No evil can overwhelm a good person,
  but the wicked have their hands full of it.

God can't stomach liars;
  he loves the company of those who keep their word.

Prudent people don't flaunt their knowledge;
  talkative fools broadcast their silliness.

The diligent find freedom in their work;
  the lazy are oppressed by work.

Worry weights us down;
  a cheerful words picks us up.

A good person survives misfortune,
  but a wicked life invites disaster.

A lazy life is an empty life,
  but "early to rise" gets the job done.

Good men and women travel right into life;
  sin's detours take you straight to hell.

Proverbs a Day: Day11/Proverbs 11

2011-02-11T08:33:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

God hates cheating in the marketplace;
  he loves it when business is aboveboard.

The stuck-up fall flat on their faced,
  but down-to-earth people stand firm.

The integrity of the honest keeps them on track;
  the deviousness of crooks brings them to ruin.

A thick bankroll is not help when life falls apart,
  but a principled life can stand up to the worst.

Moral character makes for smooth traveling;
  an evil life is a hard life.

Good character is the best insurance;
  crooks get trapped in their sinful lust.

When the wicked die, that's it -
  the story's over, end of hope.

A good person is saved from much trouble;
  a bad person runs straight into it.

The loose tongue of the godless spreads destruction;
  the common sense of the godly preserves them.

When it goes well for good people, the whole town cheers;
  when it goes badly for bad people, the town celebrates.

When right-living people bless the city, it flourishes;
  evil talk turns it into a ghost town in no time.

Mean-spirited slander is heartless;
  quiet discretion accompanies good sense.

A gadabout gossip can't be trusted with a secret,
  but someone of integrity won't violate a confidence.

Without good direction, people lose their way;
  the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances.

Whoever makes deals with strangers is sure to get burned;
  if you keep a cool head, you'll avoid rash bargains.

A woman of gentle grace gets respect,
  but men of rough violence grab for look.

When you're kind to others, you help yourself;
  when you're cruel to others, you hurt yourself.

Bad work gets paid with a bad check;
  good work gets solid pay.

Take your stand with God's loyal community and life,
  or chase after phantoms of evil and die.

God can't stand deceivers,
  but oh how he relishes integrity.

Count on this: The wicked won't get off scot-free,
  and God's loyal people will triumph.

Like a gold ring in a pig's snout
  is a beautiful face on an empty head.

The desires of good people lead straight to the best,
  but wicked ambition ends in angry frustration.

The world of the generous gets larger and larger;
the world of the stingy gets smaller and smaller.

The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed;
  those who help others are helped.

Curses on those who drive a hard bargain!
  Blessings on all who play fair and square!

The one who seeks good finds delight;
  the student of evil becomes evil.

A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump;
  a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.

Exploit or abuse your family, and end up with a fistful of air;
  common sense tells you it's a stupid way to life.

A good life is a fruit-bearing tree;
  a violent life destroys souls.

If good people barely make it,
  what's in store for the bad!

Over 40? You'll appreciate this!

2011-02-11T08:18:00.000-06:00

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot...BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of stuff like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our butts! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters oriTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?Â

6) We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation orXbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little kids!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 40 Crowd

Proverbs a Day: Day10/Proverbs 10

2011-02-10T17:43:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Wise son, glad father;
  stupid son, sad mother.

Ill-gotten gain gets you nowhere;
  an honest life is immortal.

God won't starve an honest soul,
  but he frustrates the appetites of the wicked.

Sloth makes you poor;
  diligence brings wealth.

Make hay while the sun shines - that's smart;
  go fishing during harvest - that's stupid.

Blessings accrue on a good and honest life,
  but the mouth of the wicked is a dark cave of abuse.

A good and honest life is a blessed memorial;
  a wicked life leaves a rotten stench.

A wise heart take orders;
  an empty head will come unglued.

Honestly lives confident and carefree,
  but Shifty is sure to be exposed.

An evasive eye is a sign of trouble ahead,
  but an open, face-to-face meeting results in peace.

The mouth of a good person is a deep, life-giving well,
  but the mouth of the wicked is a dark cave of abuse.

Hatred starts fights,
  but love pulls a quilt over the bickering.

You'll find wisdom on the lips of a person of insight,
  but the shortsighted needs a slap in the face.

The wise accumulate knowledge - a true treasure;
  know-it-alls talk too much - a sheer waste.

The wealth of the rice is their bastion;
  the poverty of the indigent is their ruin.

The wage of a good person is exuberant life;
  an evil person ends up with nothing but sin.

The road to life is a disciplined life;
  ignore correction and you're lost for good.

Liars secretly hoard hatred;
  fools openly spread slander.

The more talk,t he less truth;
  the wise measure their words.

The speech of a good person is worth waiting for;
  the blabber of the wicked is worthless.

The talk of a good person is rich fare for many,
  but chatterboxes die of an empty heart.

God's blessing makes life rich;
  nothing we can do improve on God.

An empty-head thinks mischief is fun,
  but a mindful person relishes wisdom.

The nightmares of the wicked come true;
  what the good people desire, they get.

When the storm is over, there's nothing left of the wicked;
  good people, firm on their rock foundation, aren't even fazed.

A lazy employee will give you nothing but trouble;
  it's vinegar in the mouth, smoke in the eyes.

The Fear-of-God expands your life;
  a wicked life is a puny life.

The aspirations of good people end in celebration;
  the ambitions of bad people crash.

God is solid backing to a well-lived life,
  but he calls into question a shabby performance.

Good people last - they can't be moved;
  the wicked are here today, gone tomorrow.

A good person's mouth is a clear fountain of wisdom;
  a foul mouth is a stagnant swamp.

The speech of a good person clears the air;
  the words of the wicked pollute it.

Proverbs a Day: Day9/Proverbs 9

2011-02-09T08:09:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Lady Wisdom has built and furnished her home;
  it's supported by seven hewn timbers.
The banquet meal is ready to be served: lamb roasted,
  wine poured out, table set with silver and flowers.
Having dismissed her serving maids,
  Lady Wisdom goes to town, stands in a prominent place,
  and invites everyone within sounds of her voice.
"Are you confused about life, don't know what's going on?
  Come with me, oh come, have dinner with me!
I've prepared a wonderful spread - fresh-basked bread,
  roast lamb, carefully selected wines.
Leave your impoverished confusion and live!
  Walk up the streets to a life with meaning."

If you reason with an arrogant cynic, you'll get slapped in the face;
  confront bad behavior and get a kick in the shins.
So don't waste your time on a scoffer;
  all you'll get for your pains is abuse.
But if you correct those who care about life,
  that's different - they'll love you for it!
Save your breath for the wise - they'll be wiser for it;
  tell good people what you know - they'll profit from it.
Skilled living gets its start in the Fear-0f-God,
  insight into life from knowing a Holy God.
It's through me, Lady Wisdom, that your life deepens,
  and the years of your life ripen,
Live wisely and wisdom will permeate your life;
  mock life and life will mock you.

Then there's this other woman, Madame Whore -
  brazen, empty-headed, frivolous.
She sits on the front porch
  of her house on Main Street,
And as people walk by minding
  their own business, calls out,
"Are you confused about life, don't know what's going on?
  Steal off with me, I'll show you a good time!
  No one will ever know - I'll give you the time of your life."
But they don't know about all the skeletons in her closet,
  that all her guests end up in hell.

Proverbs a Day: Day8/Proverbs 8

2011-02-08T07:25:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Do you hear Lady Wisdom calling?
  Can you hear Madame Insight raising her voice?
She's taken her stand at First and Main,
  at the busiest intersection.
Right in the city square
  where the traffic is thickest, she shouts,
"You - I'm talking to all of you,
  everyone out here on the streets!
Listen, you idiots - learn good sense!
  You blockheads - shape up!
Don't miss a word of this - I'm telling you how to live well,
  I'm telling you how to live at your best.
My mouth chews and savors and relishes truth -
  I can't stand the taste of evil!
You'll only hear true and right words from my mouth;
  not one syllable will be twisted or skewed.
You'l recognize this as true - you with open minds;
  truth-ready minds will see it at once.
Prefer my life-disciplines over chasing after money,
  and God-knowledge over a lucrative career.
For Wisdom is better than all the trappings of wealth;
  nothing you could wish for holds a candle to her.

"I am Lady Wisdom, and I live next to Sanity;
  Knowledge and Discretion live just down the street.
The Fear-of-God means hating Evil,s
  whose ways I hate with a passion -
  pride and arrogance and crooked talk.
Good counsel and common sense are my characteristics;
  I am both Insight and the Virtue to live it out.
With my help, leaders rule,
  and lawmakers legislate fairly;
With my help, governors govern,
  along with all in legitimate authority.
I love those who love me;
  those who look for me find me.
Wealth and Glory accompany me -
  also substantial Honor and a Good Name.
My benefits are worth more than a big salary, even a very big salary;
  the returns on me exceed any imaginable bonus.
You can find me on Righteous Road - that's where I walk -
  at the intersection of Justice Avenue,
Handing out life to those who love me,
  filling their arms with life - armloads of life!

"God sovereignly made me - the first, the basic -
  before he did anything else.
I was brought into being a long time ago,
  well before Earth got its start.
I arrived on the scene before Ocean,
  yes, even before Springs and Rivers and Lakes.
Before Mountains were sculpted and Hills took shape,
  I was already there, newborn;
Long before God stretched out Earth's Horizons,
  and tended to the minute details of Soil and Weather,
And set Sky firmly in place,
  I was there.
When he mapped and gave borders to wild Ocean,
  built the vast vault of Heaven,
  and installed the fountains that fed Ocean,
When he drew a boundary for Sea,
  posted a sign that said, NO TRESPASSING,
And then staked out Earth's foundations,
  I was right there with him, making sure everything fit.
Day after day I was there, with my joyful applause,
  always enjoying his company,
Delighted with the world of things and creatures,
  happily celebrating the human family.

"So, my dear friends, listen carefully;
  those who embrace these my ways are most blessed.
Mark a life of discipline and live wisely;
  don't squander your precious life.
Blessed the man, blessed the woman, who listens to me,
  awake and ready for me each morning,
  alert and responsive as I start my day's work.
When you find me, you find life, real life,
  to say nothing of God's good pleasure.
But if you wrong me, you damage your very soul;
  when you reject me, you're flirting with death."

Proverbs a Day: Day7/Proverbs 7

2011-02-07T12:40:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Dear friend, do what I tell you;
  treasure my careful instructions.
Do what I say and you'll live well.
  My teaching is as precious as your eyesight - guard it!
Write it out on the back of your hands;
  etch it on the chambers of your heart.
Talk to Wisdom as to a sister.
  Treat Insight as your companion.
They'll be with you to fend off the Temptress -
  that smooth-talking, honey-tongues Seductress.

As I stood at the window of my house
  looking out through the shutters,
watching the mindless crowd stroll by,
  I spotted a young man without any sense
Arriving at the corner of the street where she lived,
  then turning up the path to her house.
It was dusk, the evening coming on,
  the darkness thickening into night.
Just then, a woman met him -
  she'd been lying in wait for him, dressed to seduce him.
Brazen and brash she was,
  restless and roaming, never at home,
Walking the streets, loitering in the mall,
  hanging out at every corner in town.

She threw her arms around him and kissed him,
  boldly took his arm and said,
"I've got all the makings for a feast -
  today I made my offerings, my vows are all paid,
So now I've come to find you,
  hoping to catch sight of your face - and here you are!
I've spread fresh, clean sheets on my bed,
  colorful imported linens.
My bed is aromatic with spices
  and exotic fragrances.
Come, let's make love all night,
  spend the night in ecstatic lovemaking!
My husband's not home; he's away on business,
  and he won't be back for a month."

Soon she has him eating out of her hand,
  bewitched by her honeyed speech.
Before you know it, he's trotting behind her,
  like a calf led to the butcher shop,
Like a stag lured into ambush
  and then shot with an arrow,
Like a bird flying into a net
  not knowing that its flying life is over.

So, friends, listen to me,
  take these words of mine most seriously.
Don't fool around with a woman like that;
  don't even stroll through her neighborhood.
Countless victims come under her spell;
  she's the death of many a poor man.
She runs a halfway house to hell,
  fits you out with a shroud and a coffin.

Proverbs a Day: Day6/Proverbs 6

2011-02-07T12:32:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Dear friend, if you've gone into hock with your neighbor
  or locked yourself into a deal with a stranger,
If you've impulsively promised the shirt off your back
  and now find yourself shivering out in the cold.
Friend, don't waste a minute, get yourself out of that mess,
  You're in the man's clutches!
  Go, put on al ong face; act desperate.
Don't procrastinate -
  there's no time to lose.
Run like a deer from the hunter,
  fly like a bird from the trapper!

You lazy fool, look at an ant.
  Watch it closely; let it teach you a thing or two.
Nobody has to tell it what to do.
  All summer it stores up food;
  at harvest it stockpiles provisions.
So how long are you going to laze around doing nothing?
  How long before you get out of bed?
A nap here, a nap there, a day off here, a day off there,
  sit back, take it easy - do you know what comes next?
Just this: You can look forward to a dirt-poor life,
  poverty your permanent houseguest!

Riffraff and rascals
  talk out of both sides of their mouths.
They wink at each other, they shuffle their feet,
  they cross their fingers behind their backs.
Their perverse minds are always cooking up something nasty,
  always stirring up trouble.
Catastrophe is just around the corner for them,
  a total smash-up, their lives ruined beyond repair.

Here are six things God hates,
  and one more that he loathes with a passion:
   eyes that are arrogant,
   a tongue that lies,
   hands that murder the innocent,
   a heart that hatches evil plots,
   feet that race down a wicked track,
   a mouth that lies under oath,
   a troublemaker in the family.

Good friend, follow your father's good advice;
  don't wander off from your mother's teachings.
Wrap yourself in them from head to foot;
  wear them like a scarf around your neck.
Wherever you walk, they'll guide you;
  whenever you rest, they'll guard you;
  when you wake up, they'll tell you what's next.
For sound advice is a beacon,
  good teaching is a light,
  moral discipline is a life path.

They'll protect you from wanton women,
  from the seductive talk of some temptress.
Don't lustfully fantasize on her beauty,
  nor be taken in by her bedroom eyes.
You can buy an hour with a whore for a loaf of bread,
  but a wanton woman may well eat you alive.
Can you walk barefoot on hot coals
  and not get blisters?
It's the same when you have sex with your neighbor's wife:
  Touch her and you'll pay for it. No excuses.

Hunger is no excuse
  for a thief to steal;
When he's caught he has to pay it back,
  even if he has to put his whole house in hock.
Adultery is a brainless act,
  soul-destroying, self-destructive;
Expect a bloody nose, a black eye,
  and a reputation ruined for good.
For jealousy detonates rage in a cheated husband;
  wild for revenge, he won't make allowances.
Nothing you say or pay will make it all right;
  neither bribes nor reason will satisfy him.

Proverbs a Day: Day5/Proverbs 5

2011-02-05T07:39:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Dear friend, pay close attention to this, my wisdom;
  listen very closely to the way I see it.
Then you'll acquire a taste for good sense;
  what I tell you will keep you out of trouble.

The lips of a seductive woman are oh so sweet,
  her soft words are oh so smooth.
But it won't be long before she's gravel in your mouth,
  a pain in your gut, a wound in your heart.
She's dancing down the primrose path to Death;
  she's headed straight for Hell and taking you with her.
She hasn't a clue about Real Life,
  about who she is or where she's going.

So, my friend, listen closely;
  don't treat my words casually.
Keep your distance from such a woman;
  absolutely stay out of her neighborhood.
You don't want to squander your wonderful life,
  to waste your precious life among the hardhearted.
Why should you allow strangers to take advantage of you?
  What be exploited by those who care nothing for you?
You don't want to end your life full of regrets,
  nothing but sin and bones,
Saying, "Oh, why didn't I do what they told me?
  Why did I reject a disciplined life?
Why didn't I listen to my mentors,
  or take my teachers seriously?
My life is ruined!
  I haven't one blessed thing to show for my life!"

Do you know the saying, "Drink from your own rain barrel,
  draw water from your own spring-fed well"?
It's true. Otherwise, you may one day come home
  and find your barrel empty and your well polluted.

Your spring water is for you and you only,
  not to be passed around among strangers.
Bless your fresh-flowing fountain!
  Enjoy the wife you married as a young man!
Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose -
  don't ever quit taking delight in her body.
  Never take her love for granted!
Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore?
  for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger?

Mark well that God doesn't miss a move you make;
  he's aware of every step you take.
The shadow of your sin will overtake you;
  you'll find yourself stumbling all over yourself in the dark.
Death is the reward of an undisciplined life;
  your foolish decisions trap you in a dead end.

Proverbs a Day: Day4/Proverbs 4

2011-02-04T08:54:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Listen, friends, to some fatherly advice;
  sit up and take notice so you'll know how to live.
I'm giving you good counsel;
  don't let it go in one ear and out the other.

When I was a boy at my father's knee,
  the pride and joy of my mother,
He would sit me down and drill me:
  "Take this to heart. Do what I tell you - live!
Sell everything and buy Wisdom! Forage for Understanding!
  Don't forget one word! Don't deviate an inch!
Never walk away from Wisdom - she guards your life;
  love her - she keeps her eye on you.
Above all and before all, do this: Get Wisdom!
  Write this at the top of your list: Get Understanding!
Throw your arms around her - believe me, you won't regret it;
  never let her go - she'll make your life glorious.
She'll garland your life with grace,
  she'll festoon your days with beauty."

Dear friend, take my advice;
  it will add years to your life.
I'm writing out clear directions to Wisdom Way,
  I'm drawing a map to Righteous Road.
I don't want you ending up in blind alleys,
  or wasting time making wrong turns.
Hold tight to good advice; don't relax your grip.
  Guard it well - your life is at stake!
Don't take Wicked Bypass;
  don't so much as set food on that road.
Stay clear of it; give it a wide berth.
  Make a detour and be on your way.

Evil people are restless
  unless they're making trouble;
They can't get a good night's sleep
  unless they've made life miserable for somebody.
Perversity is their food and drink,
  violence their drug of choice.

The ways of right-living people glove with light;
  the longer they live, the brighter they shine.
But the road of wrongdoing gets darker and darker -
  travelers can't see a thing; they fall flat on their faces.

Dear friend, listen well to my words;
  tune your ears to my voice.
Keep my message in plain view at all times.
  Concentrate! Learn it by heart!
Those who discover these words live, really live;
  body and soul, they're bursting with health.

Keep vigilant watch over your heart,
  that's where life starts.
Don't talk out of both sides of your mouth;
  avoid careless banter, white lies, and gossip.
Keep your eyes straight ahead;
  ignore all sideshow distractions.
Watch your step,
  and the road will stretch out smooth before you.
Look neither right nor left;
  leave evil in the dust.

Proverbs a Day: Day3/Proverbs 3

2011-02-03T20:27:00.000-06:00

The Message Translation

Good friend, don't forget all I've taught you;
  take to heart my commands.
They'll help you live a long, long time,
  a long life lived full and well.

Don't lose your grip on Love and Loyalty.
  Tie them around your neck; carve their initials on your heart.
Earn a reputation for living well
  in God's eyes and the eyes of the people.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
  don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
  he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
  Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
  your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
  give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
  your wine vats will brim over.
But don't, dear friend, resent God's discipline;
  don't sulk under his loving correction.
It's the child he loves that God corrects;
  a father's delight is behind all this.

You're blessed when you meet Lady Wisdom,
  when you make friends with Madame Insight.
She's worth far more than money in the bank;
  her friendship is better than a big salary.
Her value exceeds all the trappings of wealth;
  nothing you could wish for holds a candle to her.
With one hand she gives long life,
  with the other she confers recognition.
Her manner is beautiful,
  her life wonderfully complete.
She's the very Tree of Life to those who embrace her.
  Hold her tight - and be blessed!

With Lady Wisdom, God formed Earth;
  with Madame Insight, he raised Heaven.
They knew when to signal rivers and springs to the surface,
  and dew to descent from the night skies.

Dear friend, guard Clear Thinking and Common Sense with your life;
  don't for a minute lose sight of them.
They'll keep your soul alive and well,
  they'll keep you fit and attractive.
You'll travel safely,
  you'll neither tire nor trip.
You'll take afternoon naps without a worry,
  you'll enjoy a good night's sleep.
No need to panic over alarms or surprises,
  or predictions that doomsday's just around the corner,
Because God will be right there with you;
  he'll keep you safe and sound.

Never walk away from someone who deserves help;
  your hand is God's hand for that person.
Don't tell your neighbor, "Maybe some other time,"
  or, "Try me tomorrow,"
  when the money's right there in your pocket.
Don't figure ways of taking advantage of your neighbor
  when he's sitting there trusting and unsuspecting.

Don't walk around with a chip on your shoulder,
  always spoiling for a fight.
Don't try to be like those who shoulder their way through life.
  Why be a bully?
"Why not?" you say. Because God can't stand twisted soulds.
  It's the straightforward who get his respect.

God's curse blights the house of the wicked,
  but he blesses the home of the righteous.
He gives proud skeptics a cold shoulder,
  but if you're down on your luck, he's right there to help.
Wise living gets rewarded with honor;
  stupid living gets the booby prize.

Proverbs a Day: Day2/Proverbs 2

2011-02-02T08:25:00.000-06:00

February 2, 2011 The Message version

Good friend, take to heart what I'm telling you;
  collect my counsels and guard them with your life.
Tune your ears to the world of Wisdom;
  set your heart on a life of Understanding.
That's right - if you make Insight your priority,
  and won't take no for an answer,
Searching for it like a prospector panning for gold,
  like an adventurer on a treasure hunt,
Believe me. before you know it Fear-of-God will be yours;
  you'll have come upon the Knowledge of God.

And here's why: God gives out Wisdom free,
  is plainspoken in Knowledge and Understanding.
He's a rich mine of Common Sense for those who live well,
  a personal bodyguard to the candid and sincere.
He keeps his eye on all who live honestly,
  and pays special attention to his loyally committed ones.

So now you can pick out what's true and fair,
  find all the good trails!
Lady Wisdom will be your close friend,
  and Brother Knowledge your pleasant companion.
Good Sense will scout ahead for danger,
  Insight will keep an eye out for you.
They'll keep you from making wrong turns,
  or following the bad directions
Of those who are lost themselves
  and can't tell a trail from a tumbleweed,
These losers who make a game of evil
  and throw parties to celebrate perversity,
Traveling paths that go nowhere,
  wandering in a maze of detours and dead ends.

Wise friends will rescue you from the Temptress -
  that smooth-talking Seductress
Who's faithless to the husband she married years ago,
  never gave a second thought to her promises before God.
Her whole way of life is doomed;
  every step she takes brings her closer to hell.
No one who joins her company ever comes back,
  ever sets foot on the path to real living.

So - join the company of good mean and woman,
  keep your feet on the tried and truth paths.
It's the mean who walk straight who will settle this land,
  the women with integrity who will last here/
The corrupt will lose their lives;
  the dishonest will be gone for good.

Proverbs a Day: Day1/Proverbs 1

2011-02-01T18:52:00.000-06:00

These are the wise sayings of Solomon,
  David's son, Israel's King -
Written down so we'll know how to live well and right,
  to understand what life means and where it's going.
A manual for living,
  for learning what's right and just and fair;
to teach the inexperienced the ropes
  and give our young people a grasp on reality.
There's something here also for seasoned men and women,
  still a thing or two for the experienced to learn -
Fresh wisdom to probe and penetrate,
  the rhymes and reasons of wise men and women.

Start with God - the first step in learning is bowing down to God;
  only fools thumb their noses at such wisdom and learning.

Pay close attention, friend to what your father tells you;
  never forget what you learned at your mother's knee.
Wear their counsel like flowers in your hair,
  like rings on your fingers.
Dear friend, if bad companions tempt you,
  don't go along with them.
If they say - "Let's go out and raise some hell.
  Let's beat up some old man, mug some old woman.
Let's pick them clean
  and get them ready for their funerals.
We'll load up on top-quality loot.
  We'll haul it home by the truckload.
Join us for the time of your life!
  With us, it's share and share alike!" -
Oh, friend, don't give them a second look;
  don't listen to them for a minute.
They're racing to a very bad end,
  hurrying to ruin everything they lay hands on.
Nobody robs a bank
  with everyone watching.
Yet that's what these people are doing -
  they're doing themselves in.
When you grab all you can get, that's what happens:
  the more you get, the less you are.

Lady Wisdom goes out in the street and shouts.
  At the town center she makes her speech.
In the middle of the traffic she takes her stand.
  At the busiest corner she calls out:

"Simpletons! How long will you wallow in ignorance?
  Cynics, How long will you feed your cynicism?
Idiots! How long will you refuse to learn?
  About face! I can revise your life.
Look, I'm ready to pour out my spirit on you;
  I'm ready to tell you all I know.
As it is, I've called, but you've turned a deaf ear;
  I've reached out to you, but you've ignored me.

"Since you laugh at my counsel
  and make a joke of my advice,
How can I take you seriously?
  I'll turn the tables and joke about your troubles!
What if the roof falls in,
  and your whole life goes to pieces?
What if catastrophe strikes and there's nothing
  to show for your life but rubble and ashes?
You'll need me then. You'll call for me, but don't expect an answer.
  Now matter how hard you look, you won't find me.
"Because you hate knowledge
  and had nothing to do with the Fear-of-God,
Because you wouldn't take my advice
  and brushed aside all my offers to train you,
Well, you've made your bed - now lie in it;
  you wanted your own way - now, how do you like it?
Don't you see what happens, you simpletons, you idiots?
  Carelessness kills; complacency is murder.
First pay attent to me, and then relax.
  Now you can take it easy - you're in good hands."

warning: soap box is out and in use

2011-01-07T20:02:00.000-06:00

Everyone knows that I love a good Lifetime movie. Heck, I like a bad one, a repeat, anything LOL. We are watching Pick-A-Flick Friday and the movie is called something like 'Secrets That Kill'.....it is about a birth mom that shows up unexpectedly and causes havoc on a family with an adopted child that is early teenager and already going through a rough time.

Some of the greatest fighting words to me, a very proud adoptive mom, is use of the terminology 'real mom' to describe a birth mother. That's what this birth mom did...called herself the real mom. OOOOhhhh, I about came off the couch at the tv, lol.

But that does bring me to my ever growing feelings that open adoption is NOT something that will work. I hate that I feel like that but I only have my horribly hellish experience to go on. It is not what we wanted but it's how things have turned out and now I'm not sure I could ever recommend an open adoption to anyone. I know that it has worked well for others and I'm glad for them.

Most of you know that we had to finally cut things off with Gracie's birth mom and most of her family almost a year ago. Recently a birth cousin, who has a 2 year old of her own, has talked with me some online and I talked back to her. She said all the right things...that she loved us, that she was sorry that she had listened to the lies that Gracie's birth mom had said about us, etc. I, mistakenly, thought she was honest and sincere. Unfortunately I found out the hard way that she was not and Gracie ended up hurt again in the process.

She asked about us getting her, her daughter and Gracie together. She asked about a specific day (last week) and we made plans to meet at McDonalds so the girls could play in the play area. Meag came with Gracie and I. We set the time for just after 3pm, we arrived at 3:05, got some fries and a drink and waited.....and waited, and waited and waited. Now to prepare Gracie, I told her who we were meeting, how she was related, etc. I had just gotten a message from her the night before seemingly excited about. She had asked about bringing her ex's mom with her and I said fine. Shortly after we got there, Meag text her to ask if they were on their way. Finally at 3:45, just as we were ready to leave she replied to Meag and said that they were on their way. Meag immediately replied, asking where she was so we'd know how long it would take for her to get there. No reply. Finally at 4:15 we left. One very angry mom and one very upset child. Asking me over and over why her cousin didn't show up to see her, asking me to call her and see where she was. From that day one, not ONE word from this girl. No explanation, no apologies, nothing. A few days later I sent her a message simply asking her why she did not show up. And as expected, NO reply.

Now can someone tell me how anyone, especially another mother could possibly set up a child and disappoint her ON PURPOSE? How does anyone do that to a child, but especially another mom? In order to keep my words rated G or PG, I'll refrain from saying exactly what I think....except to say that this is the lowest form of person that could do this and not even try to hide that they don't care, that they did it on purpose, that set up this child to get hurt.

THAT, my friends, is exactly why we cut off the relationships with the birth family. The birth mother is worse. She doesn't even play nice, pretending...she just sends me nasty notes on Christmas, not bothering to even say Merry Christmas to Gracie, etc.

But I've realized that all along because she wanted to be in Gracie's life, I've expected her to treat Gracie as she would one of her own children. But honestly, Gracie is not her child, never has been. She has been mine from day one. I am her REAL MOM. Why should I expect her to treat Gracie well. She doesn't treat her own kids well, so why in the world would she treat a child that is not hers good? I no longer have those expectations. In fact there are none, because there is NO relationship, nothing. It's freeing. I take that back, I expect her to treat her own kids well, but unfortunately that is not happening. I pray for their sake that that changes at some point! They don't deserve it. But since I'm Gracie's mom...I, and I alone will be treating Gracie as my child....that's the way it should be.

Ok, stepping off my soap box now....and hoping this movie doesn't spin me up any further, lol.

Handbook for 2011

2011-01-07T16:28:00.000-06:00

HANDBOOK 2011

Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games.
7. Read more books than you did in 2010.
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake.
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...

Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time with/people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come.
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Last but not the least:
40. Please forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.

I feel redeemed in a way

2011-01-04T12:00:00.000-06:00

For a long time, and I do mean a very long time I've had problems with noise. By this I mean that some things more than bother me....they drive me NUTS. I've always wondered why I'm like this and I've always felt like I must be the only person in the world that feels like this.

For example, the dogs scratching.....most of the time Dave barely hears it, but for me it is HORRIBLE. Loudness, whether people, Gracie, the tv...I can't stand. Repetitive things (noises or someone saying the same thing over and over) send me over the end. Trust me, when I say it's bad, I mean bad. Sometimes it almost feels like a rage and for me it is uncontrollable. I've felt awful and so alone and so "abnormal".

And then! I discovered that there is a real 'illness' (for lack of a better word) for this and that I'm not alone in this! Wow, how freeing that was for me. It is called Noise Anxiety (amongst other similar names). You can read about it here: Noise Anxiety.

Amazing to read that (and some other sites) and have them be describing ME. There is a name for how I feel!

Now to find out how to learn to deal with it. I would love the headphones, lol, but then I couldn't hear anything!

My 50 in 2011...

2011-01-03T11:23:00.000-06:00

I 'stole' this idea from a friend whose blogs I've been following for quite some time. Last year she wrote 101 things she wanted to do in 1001 days. What a GREAT idea. Of course I'm kind of 'OCD' so I like to start these things at the beginning of a new month or a new year....so here I am. Let me stress that these are not 'resolutions'....these are goals, things I'd like to do or complete, ideas I have, accomplishments I'd like to achieve. I think there is a difference. So without further ado, here is my list of 50 in 2011....

1. Get caught up on my magazines (they are everywhere).
2. Go to the gym at least 3 times a week.
3. Have quiet time/devotions daily as much as possible.
4. Read at least 2 books from my book shelf every month.
5. Finish reading the Bible all the way through.
6. Get Gracie's attitude in check and learn effective discipline.
7. Start a photography 'blog'...at least one picture a day.
8. Make it into my craft room a minimum of once a week to stamp/scrapbook.
9. Make it to scrapbook group and make new friends.
10. Stay on top of laundry and house cleaning.
11. Get new glasses.
12. Go to the dentist and get dental work done.
13. Cook more often.
14. Make a calendar journal and journal daily, even if only a sentence or two.
15. Enter cards I've made into submission for card magazines.
16. Have a date with hubby at least once a month.
17. Start using coupons when I shop.
18. Write personal emails, messages, letters to friends to stay in touch better.
19. Be more positive, see the positive in everything (it's there).
20. Buy less.
21. Go to Chattanooga.
22. Put a puzzle together.
23. Clean out my closet.
24. Clean out the garage (with hubby of course).
25. Do more Bible Studies.
26. Drink less coke.
27. Drink more water.
28. Let It GO!
29. Keep on crocheting.
30. Eat healthier.
31. Overcome the depression and anxiety.
32. Learn to deal better with my noise anxiety (more to come on this).
33. Post my testimony.
34. Get outside more (in the warmer weather).
35. LOVE others more.
36. Forgive more...both others and myself.
37. See myself through God's eyes only.
38. Be more consistent.
39. Make Dave breakfast in bed.
40. Put my entire being into serving God in whatever manner He choses.
41. Get my email folders all cleaned out.
42. Speak up and not hold it in.
43. Learn to not let others moods affect me and mine.
44. Stop for the small things in life.
45. Get the house organized.
46. Learn a new craft.
47. Try new recipes.
48. Learn to prioritize more.
49. Learn to enjoy life, period.
50. Go for walks.

And there you have it.....I'm off and running.....join me?

Back to business

2011-01-03T10:05:00.000-06:00

Well, almost. Technically things won't get totally back to order until Wednesday when Gracie goes back to school. Then I can feel like I'm getting my routine back. But since hubby went back to work today, in a way it starts today for me.

I think that yesterday (the Sunday following New Years) is almost the saddest day of the year....or perhaps it ties with the Monday following New Years. It is the time that the holidays come to an end. And not another one in site for quite awhile! I think we need some holidays in Feb, Mar, April....not Valentine's Day or St. Patrick's Day....but holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas that bring people to a halt, to have time off work, and time to spend together! You know...those lovely lazy wonderful three day weekends like the last two.

Other than Sunday being the Lord's Day and the specialness of it....Sundays are always somewhat 'sad' for me....because I know it's the last day of the weekend, hubby goes back to work the next day and it's 5 long days before we get to spend time together again! But the Sunday after New Years is even worse.

So now here we are....the new year, back to work, back to our routines, working on new years resolutions (did you make any), moving on with life. What will 2011 bring? It's already the 3rd day of the new year! What will you make of this new year, this new canvas of life ahead?

I want 2011 to be a better year than 2010. Of course in my life it won't take much for that to happen, LOL. But I do know that it's up to me to make it happen. First thing is to rely on GOD, not myself, not anyone else. There are a lot of changes that need to happen. They won't happen overnight. Some of them require miracles, some are easy. Of course, every minute, every step of the way satan tries to trip me up. He doesn't want me to succeed. He threw things at me yesterday. I guess he will just have to learn that I'm not going to let him. I'm going to have a great 2011....even though things might come up and happen, and even knock me on my butt at times...the difference will be in how I pick myself back up, dust myself off and head on down the road!

So let's head on down the road, on this great journey of life together....shall we? I'd love to have you by my side....

Goodbye 2010....Hello 2011

2010-12-31T18:56:00.000-06:00

Whew, well I, for one, am glad to see this year come to an end. Not because it was totally bad, but because I'm SO looking forward to seeing what the new year will bring for myself, my family and my friends.

2010 was filled with many ups and downs. Mentally it saw me at my very lowest, including two stays in the hospital (my choice.....testimony coming soon)...but while that was at my lowest, it was at those points that I saw the outpouring of love and support and encouragement from my friends and family. It was at that time that I learned the most...about myself and techniques to get me through the tough spots. I'm not able to perfectly handle everything (yet) and I still make mistakes, I still revert back to destructive behaviors, but I'm learning and trying.

Physically it was a very hard year as well as I continued to have a lot of health issues. Trying to determine WHAT is causing them is hard. We still don't know which surgery (gastric bypass or gall bladder removal is the cause) and because we don't know the cause we don't know the answer. I spent a week in the hospital and 3 weeks on IV feedings...but it got the weight on me that I needed and for the most part I've been able to keep most of it on. I don't know what's ahead but God does and I'll put my faith in Him and in the Doctors to make the right decisions as to what to do from here on out.

Relationship-wise it's been a struggle....on many many different levels. It's hard to go into all of them. Some of them are irreparable unfortunate, some may be repaired over time and some are fixed now. In each of these areas, all I can do is to put each thing in God's hands! May He work them all out to the conclusion that He desires.

We have to make some hard hard choices in several areas. Despite the fact that it hurts and it is not what I want, some of these decisions I know where completely and totally right. I don't think some of them will ever change or work out the way that I would like but sometimes that happens in life. Life is full of hurts, it is what we do with those hurts that make all the difference in the world.

Because I struggle so much with depression and anxiety and even suicidal thoughts, it is not always easy for me to act or react in the way that I should, but always know that I try. Sometimes I get knocked to the ground, as I did this week...but give me a little bit and I'll deal with it and pick myself back up. As I said, I'm human, things hurt. I'm trying my best in the life...and so looking forward to the next life. Speaking of that, I'm eternally grateful that my two best friends will be spending that eternity with me. Thank You God for that gift. It is one that is greatest than anything I can imagine, greater than any material thing. I don't know if one day I'll be past the depression and anxiety. I hope so, but I don't know. Cut me a little slack and know that even aside from the depression and anxiety, I am my own person. I handle things differently than other people.

You may think that these are words, but to me they are WAY more than just words spoken on New Years Eve...I love my friends. And that means the friends that have always been there, my best friends, ones I've just met, ones I've reconnected with in high school and hate me then, lol. I am a person that truly does love my friends. If you are on my facebook or email me, please know that you mean a lot to me. I am so happy when someone takes the time to comment on a status, on a picture, post on my way, message me, check on me, send me a 'gift' in an app....anything. You continually bless me. There are friends that because of Facebook I've not only reconnected with but have quickly become so close to me; there are friends that I was close with all those years ago and thanks to FB and reconnecting we are close again. If you can't tell I LOVE FACEBOOK. It has done great great things in my life. At times this year when I really needed to hear that someone cared, all I had to do was reach out on FB and wham, there were so many friends telling me, showing me how much I meant. I am truly blessed.

Of course, as we know from this week...my openness and honesty also cause me quite a few problems. There are always those that don't like my honesty. I've lost friends over it. At times I've wanted to shut down, not have anything to do with anyone anymore and live my life with my hubby. But it all comes back to the fact that that is not me, that is not who I am. While I have a huge problem (because of my depression) in isolating myself, I am just not able to change to be who some want me to be. One thing people do not understand is that just because sometime I post the 'negative' things going on with me, it doesn't mean that there is not great, positive things going on at the same time, it doesn't mean that I don't know that I'm blessed. While at times of course I share those things, the times when I really need my friends is those times when things aren't going so good and I reach out. Not everyone sees that. I know that my real and true friends are always there regardless. I know that they will always defend me, encourage me, love me and support me. Thank God for them.

There is always WAY more things going on than people know. Those that make judgements based on the small amount they know really are ignorant and I don't mean that in a mean way. They just are. Hopefully there are those that learn from the negative things I've gone through with people and learn not to judge. If that happens, then all I've went through is worth it.

Not only do I love my friends, but I adore my family. I truly have the greatest family ever! So many don't understand the relationship I have with my husband. We have pretty much been together since we were 14....married for 25 year in March. That is extremely rare. Why? Because we determined early into our relationship that we would never 'divorce'....that regardless of what each other put the other through that we would stay together and make it work. My beloved husband epitomizes the words "unconditional love".....honestly how many people do you know that are like that? It's too easy to divorce these days. I know he loves me and I hope he knows I love him. Our relationship is far from perfect but we make it work.

There are so many things that I pray for 2011....more than I can list here. There are things I want to change in myself, in various relationship etc. Some things are not going to change regardless of how much I want them too, short of a miracle. But that's going to be ok, too. It is only with God's help that I'll make the changes and that I'll deal with the negative people, with the changes that are not going to happen and with handling the things in my life.

I'm thankful that I have a new chance at a new life.....and I'm SO thankful that I have it with you.

Happy New Years friends.....I love you all!

LET IT GO~!

2010-12-31T18:02:00.000-06:00

(repost from T.D. Jakes, 2008...but well worth the read)

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this!

When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.

I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.

Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

The bible said that,

They came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us.

For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.

[1John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have, He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.

Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .. LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth... LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents .. LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.

GOD is doing a new thing for 2011!!!

LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!! "The Battle is the Lord's!"

words, part 2

2010-12-31T09:17:00.000-06:00

Offended: to irritate, annoy, or anger; cause resentful displeasure in

Sorry: feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc

Apology: a written or spoken expression of one's regret, remorse, or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured or wronged another.

If you hurt someone else, saying to them 'I'm sorry I 'offended' you is far from an apology for hurting them. Being offended is an action on the part of the original person, the one that was hurt. People don't offend us, we become offended at something. Therefore if we are hurt by someone and they simply say they are sorry they offended us, they are not really 'sorry'....they are simply sorry that we took it as we did and got upset. It puts it back on us.

To be truly apologetic, you must be sorry. It doesn't have to mean that you agree with how they feel, but you are truly sorry that you hurt them.

There is a huge difference between those two words. One puts it all back on the person that was hurt, the other you take responsibility for your actions.

Which will you chose?

the power of words

2010-12-30T12:53:00.000-06:00

Do you realize the power that your words have on people? Do you know that your words have the ability to destroy someone, or the ability to heal them? Do you think about that when you say something to someone? And I'm not necessarily talking about big things you say, but even the smallest of things, the fewest of words.

For example...high school was not a very fun place for me. I was often made fun of, ridiculed, teased and felt that not many liked me. After meeting back up with a classmate on Facebook, someone who was always one of the popular crowd, he told me that he never hated me, that he always thought I was nice. Those words were healing to me from years of things that had destroyed me.

The words of 'friend' the other day threatened to destroy me. Threatened to tear down months of work in me. Why would someone, who remained anonymous, have that power over me? Why does one person handle things one way, and others another way? Take me for example....I am extremely sensitive, always have been. I cry easily and often; I take things to heart way too easy, I let things get to me and hurt me. Why did God make me this way and yet others can just ignore things and not bother them one bit? I don't have an answer for that at all. But I do know that God made me this way. I'm sure there is a reason for it even if I don't see it.

Some people are very closed about themselves, I am the opposite...I am very very open. Probably too much so, but this is ME. This is how I am. That I do know that God uses...He takes my openness and allows me to help others in situations that I've been through. I share almost everything. I don't force anyone to read it, or to be on my Facebook, or be in my life. I love people, I like people to like me...but if you do, you will like me for ME, for how I am...all the good, the bad, etc. I don't want people in my life that don't want to be there...we'll both be miserable that way. I have great, true friends.

I have very little control over my depression and anxiety. I see the Doctor, I take my meds, I try to utilize the things I've been taught this year. That doesn't mean that when something happens or comes up that it doesn't knock me on my hiney for a bit. I'll pull myself back up, with God's help...but it might mean I'm down for the count for a bit. Heck, I'm not perfect. Do I wish I didn't have these issues? Sure I do! Do I like feeling suicidal? or out of control with meds? NO! I hate it.

Oh, if only we could all have our lives be perfect....except how boring would that become? It might be nice for a bit, but after that?! Things are never going to be perfect. We simply do the best job we can to make it through each day the best that we can. Sometimes we have good days, sometimes great days and sometimes we feel absolutely at the end and we need our friends to rally around us with positive, life affirming, encouraging words. That's me right now. In a day or two hopefully I'll be able to say I'm past it all and doing great.

Often the difference between a great day and a day that knocks you down? WORDS.....positive or negative. It is the words that are spoken to you. We should all take a moment before we speak to others and think about what kind of effect our words will have.... lift others up, don't destroy them with your words.

I'm only human

2010-12-29T12:24:00.000-06:00

I would be lying if I said that the anonymous words of 'friend' yesterday did not hurt. I am human, of course they hurt. Even though I know the absolute truth about myself and my life, I think it is normal to begin to think 'wow, is that what people really think of me?' And yes I know it doesn't matter (or shouldn't matter) what others think, I also believe this is a normal reaction. It hurts to have someone (who can't even post their name) say such things about you.

One thing that most people know about me is that I'm an extremely open person. I share everything....good, bad and ugly. Why? Because only through my transparency can God use me to help someone else. Unless someone sees the things I go through, the things I struggle with, etc they can't know that there is someone else just like them, someone that understands. And God has used me to help others....just as He has used others to help me.

I struggle with depression, with anxiety, with suicidal thoughts at time. Does this make me a bad person? I don't think so. I think it, again, makes me human. The statistics for those suffering with this are huge. Am I perfect? Far from it! Do I claim to be? Nope, not a bit. I don't ever expect people to totally agree with me on things in my life. But I would like some decency and leaving a comment anonymously does not fall under the decency category in my book.

You have to ask yourself....why would someone 'follow' me for years and all of a sudden post something like this? Some things are clear: they don't know me, they don't know my life, they don't have older kids.... But why would you continually read what someone has to say and then decide to lash out? Why not stay away? Why not stop reading the words of this person you can't stand? Why feel the need to be so nasty? What makes this person think that they know everything and that what they 'think' is right?

Yes it makes you step back and think. Human nature makes you wonder who in the world would do this. Human nature makes you wonder if everyone thinks this way about you. And being a human, it hurts...deeply. That someone would think that they know every detail of my life enough to make comments like that. Only my husband and my two best friends know me that well and they would never say things like that to me. Any decent human being would not speak to another like that.

Last night my husband (you know, the one you claim should have left me years ago) refused to read the comments. He said he didn't have to, that he loved me unconditionally. I'm sorry that you don't know that kind of love. He said it didn't matter, period....he loves me. My best friends were there to pick up the pieces you tried to tear apart because that's what best friends do.

There is a lot of things I'd like to change in my life, and with God's help I will....but I can honestly say that they have nothing to do with the hurtful things you claimed about me. Because I know the truth, my family knows the truth.

Unfortunately I can't block 'friend' from commenting. Because along with hiding behind an anonymous posting, they made a private profile named 'friend'. You have to ask why if they think they are so right that they would be afraid to post their name. I doubt I'll ever find out who said those things unless they mature and decide to be honest about posting that. I'll always wonder. A real 'friend', even if they had concerns, would properly address them with me instead of this. That in itself tells me that this person is not a friend. Come talk to me, let me share details you don't know...then let's see how you feel. Hiding behind an anonymous comment makes you less of a person, not more.

I am extremely blessed. But life is full of problems and issues and 'things'. Has been that way since the Garden of Eden and none of that will change. Perhaps you do not like how I handle things. I'm not put on this earth to please you, but to please God. He made me the way that I am....I am perfect in His eyes. I don't feel the need to cut someone else down by rude comments. Despite anything that goes on, my kids love me, my husband loves me. Perhaps you don't have this in your life. I feel sorry for you.

I like people to like me, I want people to like me....but that's not going to happen with everyone. Even if everyone hated me and I was left with my husband, my girls and my two best friends (who I know beyond a shadow of a doubt would NEVER leave me) I would still be blessed and my life would be full.

I can choose one of two things at this point....I can continue to be my open, honest self....sharing the good, bad and ugly for those who choose to be in my life....or.....I can choose to close up and stop sharing, pulling away from people in order not to get hurt so much.

Yes I wish I knew who posted this, I'll admit it. Is it someone who pretends to be my friend to my face or someone I never speak to? I really do hope that someone is not that cruel to be my friend to my face and say anonymous things like this. I love my friends, I really, truly do.

Well, this is it....this is me. Please do us both a favor and quit following me if doing so upsets you so much that you feel the need to lash out in such a cowardly way. You would be doing us both a favor. Maybe it made you feel better to say those things. If so, you need some help. I'm sorry for whatever you've gone through this last year...but please don't claim to know everything about me and pronounce judgment for how I handle things. You are not my judge, only God is.

Do you like hearing that you hurt me? That you hurt me so much that it's bringing on a major depressive episode? Do you get off on that? Have you ever had a friend or acquaintance suffer from depression? Have you ever had one take their life? Your lack of compassion suggests not.

You write as someone with some intelligence but the mere fact that you felt the need to say such things to someone you clearly are not friends with, suggests otherwise. If you are 'following' me, I figure you will read this...so let's see some maturity and less being a coward and tell me who you are. Let's discuss this like adults. You tell me your 'concerns' and I'll share things you don't know. How about it?

Wow with 'friends' like this, who needs enemies

2010-12-28T18:06:00.000-06:00

I have watched as a friend of mine often gets nasty comments from anonymous people on her blog. She handles each of them with grace and maturity, although she does usually reply to them.

Today it is my turn. I laid down for a bit because I was sick and woke to find the following comment on a recent blog:
Friend said...

I have followed you for years off and on and keep hoping you will change. Your life is so full of drama ALL THE TIME and now you are starting it with your own child. I can guarantee you that you have not been through half of what I have in the last year and not one time have I done the things you have. No one and I one no one is as sick as you claim to be. It is all a ploy for pity and it is ridiculous. I just wish one day you would open your eyes and realized how blessed you really are. I can't believe that Dave has stayed with you all this time. Any other man, would have run for the hills years ago.

You are a pity seeker and I pray you one day grow up and stop the madness. If you listed all the people you have had problems with you would fill up many pages. What does that tell you??? You are the common thread for all these problems and the problem is with you and you alone.

How ironic that this person choses 'friend' as their name because they are anything but that. I personally believe that people who post anonymously are cowards. If you can write something like this, be adult enough to sign your name. I'm guessing this person claims to be a Christian since they use the word 'pray' but I do not believe that God would be approving of this. It's clear that whoever this is, is not only a coward, but they truly do not know me, my family or my situations. I'd love to see them deal with some of the things I have...things they have no idea about because while I'm pretty open, there no way I've shared everything.

I think I would suggest to you if you wrote this to me that you remove yourself from my life. Since you have such a low opinion of me there is no reason for you to be 'following me off and on for years'. I definitely do not need 'friends' like you and you have no need to know anything about me. So stop reading my blogs, if you are on my facebook, remove yourself. Stay out of my life and find someone else that you can berate and hurt. Whether you approve of me or my life matters not to me....what God thinks matters, what my family thinks matters, what my real friends think matters. And God loves me no matter what. I am ME, this is it...whether you approve or not, this is ME. I make no apologies or try to defend myself. And I would suggest that you withhold your comments until you have truly lived completely in my life.

my favorite thing....

2010-12-28T13:50:00.000-06:00

I love, love, love that all the yarn is on sale everywhere. Here is some of my new stuff to play with! So many colors and textures....deciding what to buy and what to make is hard, lol. But I was up for the challenge....and this is the different things I came home with! Now I'm off to have some fun, grin!

It's been a good day!

2010-12-15T18:16:00.000-06:00

I LOVE being able to say that I've had a good day! They don't come as often as I would like, grin.

I headed out early to town...to beat the storm....you know, the one that STILL is not here. Gotta love TN!

I made my rounds: Walmart (where I got some yarn to make a present), Joanns and Michaels (why do the craft stores have people's names?), dropped books off at the library, then to the other Walmart (where Gracie and I got new jammies and slippers), and followed that with my weekly treats to Starbucks (caramel frap) and Taco Bell (crunchy taco supreme) and ended with a coke from McDonalds.

Came home to find that I had won a mystery box from Paper Crafts Magazine...I'm SO excited....can't wait to see what's in it~! In the mail came our photo Christmas cards (guess I'd better get to work addressing envelopes) and my photo book I made (for free thanks to Courtney) and THEN came our Christmas box from Mom and Dad McCann....completely with a Cornjerker ornament (our high school mascot).

What a day it has been! OH, and the schools got out 2 hours...for that same storm that STILL is not here! Wonder if they will have school tomorrow!

On that note...I'm off to crochet a bit, eat some supper and head to bed early with my book! LOVE days like this!

ever had one of 'those' day?

2010-12-14T10:13:00.000-06:00

Well the start to my morning was like that!

6:00am rolled around and 'Dega (my black and white) cat decided he needed some love and attention NOW and I do mean NOW. He's been known to nip at your nose if you don't pay him the attention that he believes he deserves.

I finally roll out of bed and hit the shower while Gracie is getting dressed. Our school system was on a one hour delay. In the shower my mind is wandering from thing to thing (that happens a lot lol) and I'm thinking how much I dread going outside. I think to myself that I'll run out and start up the van (Dave took the car to Memphis for a business trip) and then it'll be warm and toasty when it's time to leave. Great idea, huh?

Only all of a sudden I realize that because Meag lost one of our van keys, Dave has the only other one....you guessed it....in Memphis. He drives the van every day so he keeps it.

Once out of the shower, I have to break the news to Gracie that she can't go to school. She demands that I walk her there. One mile (or so) one way in single digit temps....I don't think so....enjoy a day off.

Now so far she has not remembered that her teacher is taking the class to see a movie today at 4:45! When she does, watch out!! I did email the teacher and she's going to try to find someone to drive her for me. Please pray for that to happen or I'll owe her the world for this one!

In the meantime I plan on crocheting my day away and letting this little guy keep a smile on my face

Facebook Friends

2010-12-13T14:14:00.000-06:00

When I started really getting in to Facebook, I added all the friends from mine and Dave's classes, regardless of whether we were friends in school or not. I added friends from quite a few classes before and after us if I remembered then or knew their name.

I'm SO glad that I did this because I have found some wonderful friends by doing that. People that I would have never thought I would be this close to....or even ones that I would never expect would even speak to me.

Now there lies the problems. How do I know who to keep and who to just delete? I don't want to delete someone that potentially could be a really good friend to me....but if it's someone that never plans on even speaking to me, let alone being a friend...well they don't need to be there.

This is what I'm struggling with. Sometimes you have people on that currently are in your life that you THINK are a friend...and then they post something about you and you quickly realize that it is more than an opinion or being outspoken, but it's rude and one sided and they aren't your friend. Hey, those are easy ones to figure out.

I love people, I like everyone....I would be friends with everyone if they wanted to be friends with me. That's not realistic and I'm having a hard time distinguishing between it all.

Oh life.....
es

pain

2010-12-12T19:15:00.000-06:00

Oh the pain hurts so badly

People don't understand. I've found that even most parents don't understan.

Why are people so judgeental? Esp when they have 1/2 of the story and have never been there. Ask me, I"ll tell you what's going on.

Again...let down, I'm sure. I'm so over it.

It hurts, it hurts so so badly. I know Jesus is with me, thank God....but I'm human and it really hurts.

Because I've been there, I know that for the most part friends are fleeting. One that is not is EXTREMELY RARE. Family, however, unless you continually screw them over, is always there....they love you conditionally....however they might not be doormats.

As for me, Christmas ended yesterday.I will finish the presents I'm making (some of which are so hard to finish). I will go through the motions for Gracie's sake. But it's over. No more songs, the movies, unless it is something Gracie wants to watch, are over. I'm done. I have no spirit. Those things that I wanted that were on my list...no more. I don't want anything. I won't be participating in Christmas so as to not upset my kids. They will have Christmas with Dave, regardless.

You know all I ever wanted was family. I lost my Dad, for all intents and purposed I lost my mom a long time ago. I wanted my brothers in my life SO bad....but they have free choice about what they want and it is not me. My daughter wants nothing to do with me. Only my husband and my youngest are in my life.

I want her to love me, I want her to want to spend at least a tiny, little bit of time with me, I want her to follow though on things she says she will do, I want her to love me. Probably things that most parents want from their daughter.

I love everyone. People may say that, but for me it is true. I want true friends that are there for me, that are supportive and loving

I want the bad desires to go away. I know they hurt me and they have the capability to do extreme damage or worse to me.

I am thankful for the friends that have given me their support. One thing you have to understand...one this is my daughter and two (the comment) is from someone that I truly thought was a friend....guess I learned differently. The second round of friends will be deleted. Thank you to those that care....it really really means a lot to me.

Please God take the hurt away, replace it with good things.I love you....

I had more, and as usual, facebook lost it....so if I come back up with it....I'll be back...if not

I feel so alone tonight.....

OK....

2010-12-12T13:34:00.000-06:00

I have, on purpose, not given much of any details about some things our family has been going through for several months. One of those reasons was because they concern my oldest daughter, and up until yesterday she was on my Facebook.

Let me start by saying that I grew up with an alcoholic father who was some what abusive and an extremely abusive mother. Great start to life. A grandmother that was as crazy as they came. Missed more of my life than she was there for....I could go on and on. I made it through all of that and I became a better person because of it.

Up until recently our family did EVERYTHING together. We were quite often told that people had never seen such a wonderfully close family and how awesome it it.

Without going in to a lot of detail my daughter has completely changed....I don't mean she's spreading her wings and 'growing up'....I mean a complete and total change. Hurtful, financially impacting things. Yes she's 20. However, we are cosigned on her apartment, the car she drives is ours, we pay all of the insurance, we pay her health insurance, we pay her gym membership, we pay her cell phone. We help her out over and over and over. We have had to file bankruptcy and continually have financial problems BUT we are paying all of these things for her. She got into some trouble the end of September, potentially impacting us...in more ways than one.

At that time we set a couple of rules down. After all if we are liable for things, you are driving our car and we are paying for so much, we have the right to set down some rules. NOTHING unrealistic by any means. In fact, we let a lot go. Now let me say at this point that ALL decisions and things done are done by complete agreement between Dave and I. The reason I get such a terrible time about it is that I'm the one that actually speaks it. But it ALL comes from both of us or we wouldn't say or do what we do.

We have continually had a problem with texting while driving. We recently discovered that not only was she not wearing her seatbelt while she's driving our car BUT she's taking Gracie places WITHOUT having her in a car seat. I don't know about other moms....but these things are totally and completely unacceptable.

Fast forward to Thursday when I discover that one of few rules is about to be broken. Something that could legally and financially come back on us. I made our point completely clear....if you break our rule and we find out, we'll call the police. If you break our rule, we are done supporting you financially....you will need to find health insurance, car insurance (or park the car in our driveway until you do), get a cell phone plan, etc. We will not support you if you do this.

Yesterday afternoon I discovered that the rule was broken. Here comes the tough love. We are done. We made our point clear and again it was NOT unrealistic. We have proof sitting on the computer in front of us and yet we got lies again. So over the next few months things will DRASTICALLY change.

That was followed by two statuses on FB that were aimed at me and the situation and to say that they were disrespectful is putting it mildly. They were terrible. Dave told me to take her and her friends off of my site, that enough is enough and I don't need to be hurt continually by that. So I did.

Now to today....let me say that reading judgemental comments by people who have NO idea about all that's going on (and trust me I did not share it all here)...esp someone I considered a friend, really does not make me happy at all. Please realize that you do not know everything. You have never been through this. How dare you make those comments.

Now, if you are one that things we are wrong, that's your right. But instead of getting all over me and/or posting something negative on FB, please just do me a favor and delete me. I have enough hurts and upsets, I don't need it from people that are truly not my friends. If you REALLY are a true friend you won't post things like that....you will realize that we are human, we get hurt and we make the best decisions we can, regardless if they are the same ones you would make or not. I honestly don't care if I have 10 friends left on FB at the end of this....at least they would be real and true friends. If I hear or read something nasty, I will know the truth. Dave and I have completely clear conscious....we know that what we did was right, that it was broken and that the consequences are not our fault. That's really all we need to know. So just do me a favor and delete me if you have a problem with me. Keep your mouth quiet and be a grown up and delete me. I don't need to hear it and honestly I don't care whether anyone agrees with our parenting or not. I've debated since yesterday whether or not to just deactivate my FB....maybe that's the answer, I just don't know.

Am I upset? You bet I am. Do I have right? Yes, on more than one level. Will everyone like what I had to say? Nope, but that's the beauty of FB and blogger....IT'S MY SITE.....

One of those situations

2010-12-12T09:33:00.000-06:00

Gracie just spoke words that made me so upset.

We are up together, watching a movie on tv....where a little girl's mom was abusing her...screaming, yelling, blaming her for things, and hit her. The little girl heard that the neighbors called social services and so she ran away.

Gracie said 'she's not supposed to go away by herself'. I said no, but she did.

Her reply?

I would do that too, if *birthmother* did that to me.

Oh my GOSH...I had to control my emotions as I told Gracie that that would NEVER EVER happen to her. That I would always protect her and I would never let that person ever do that to her. That I would call the police but that she won't even get close enough to Gracie to do that.

My goodness....what horrible damage this person has done to my child by her selfish actions and behavior. Life is not about the adult, it is about the kid. People need to grown up and learn to put children first. NO child should ever worry that this might happen to her and especially by her birth mother.

another great give-a-way to share

2010-12-09T12:07:00.001-06:00

This is another great give-a-way that you might be interested in! Check it out HERE

Enjoy....

check out this give-a-way

2010-12-09T08:02:00.001-06:00

Today on Facebook I came across the greatest give-a-way and I wanted to share it with you!

Go HERE and check it out~!! You will not be sorry!!!

Feeling creative today...

2010-12-08T11:36:00.000-06:00

Remember this pile of yarn? Dave found yarn in the garage where I had started 2 afghans many years ago. I took this one out and it become this huge pile of yarn in the middle of the couch:

I'm happy to report that as of now, it has beautifully become a great start to a new afghan. Take a peek:

It only took me a WEEK to pick a pattern that I liked...but I'm happy with it! What do you think?

♫♥♪ crochet days = great days ♫♥♪

free yarn?

one last post

end of this blog

simply put...

living with chronic illnesses

wednesday ramblings from *me*

Dave's Father's Day present

lies, regrets and life

Giveway!!

Addiction

Book Review: Reggie (Reggie Dabbs with John Driver)

important words

Book Review: Necessary Heartbreak (Michael J Sullivan)

Book Review: Max on Life (Max Lucado)

Looking for a support system...

AKA The Vacuum Cleaner

Where does the time go?

how do you tell your six yr old....

Be My Bridge?

makes it hard....

Some days~

done

It hurts to be a Mom

emptiness

not unexpected, but...still hurts

our "terms"

Smoke and wrecked vans

wow, my day was awful, how was yours?

Friends? or not?

Poll....

Depression in teens

*roll call*

Dear Anonymous:

Paying for it

Feels like I've reached the end

Suicide (important info for everyone)

What would you say?

Proverbs a Day: Day31/Proverbs 31

Spread the word....

Contradicting emotions

Proverbs a Day: Day30/Proverbs 30

Proverbs a Day: Day29/Proverbs 29

Proverbs a Day: Day28/Proverbs 28

Family and friends

Proverbs a Day: Day27/Proverbs 27

Proverbs a Day: Day26/Proverbs 26

more ramblings Feb 26 11

Random Feb 25 11

Proverbs a Day: Day25/Proverbs 25

Proverbs a Day: Day24/Proverbs 24

I'm wondering....

Proverbs a Day: Day23/Proverbs 23

Proverbs a Day: Day22/Proverbs 22

Proverbs a Day: Day21/Proverbs 21

Did you ever think?

Drunk Drivers

Proverbs a Day: Day20/Proverbs 20

Proverbs a Day: Day19/Proverbs 19

Proverbs a Day: Day18/Proverbs 18

Proverbs a Day: Day17/Proverbs 17

Proverbs a Day: Day16/Proverbs 16

Proverbs a Day: Day15/Proverbs 15

Proverbs a Day: Day14/Proverbs 14

Proverbs a Day: Day13/Proverbs 13

Proverbs a Day: Day12/Proverbs 12

Proverbs a Day: Day11/Proverbs 11

Over 40? You'll appreciate this!

Proverbs a Day: Day10/Proverbs 10

Proverbs a Day: Day9/Proverbs 9

Proverbs a Day: Day8/Proverbs 8

Proverbs a Day: Day7/Proverbs 7

Proverbs a Day: Day6/Proverbs 6

Proverbs a Day: Day5/Proverbs 5

Proverbs a Day: Day4/Proverbs 4

Proverbs a Day: Day3/Proverbs 3

Proverbs a Day: Day2/Proverbs 2

Proverbs a Day: Day1/Proverbs 1

warning: soap box is out and in use

Handbook for 2011

wednesday ramblings from me

roll call